THIS MOVIE IS EVERY SINGLE STAR WARS GEEK’S FANTASY!

Do not argue with me on this.  You would give your left testicle to be able to do a secret mission and break into Skywalker Ranch.  You would.  Don’t even debate it.  YOU KNOW YOU WOULD!

Alright so if you are really dying to go and check this movie out (I know I am) here is the list of where it will be debuting:

New York
1. AMC Lincoln Square
2. AMC Empire
3. Regal Union Square
4. Regal Farmingdale
5. Regal New Roc City

Los Angeles
1.Mann Chinese
2.Arclight Sherman Oaks
3.AMC Santa Monica
4.AMC Rolling Hills
5.Regal Long Beach 26

Philadelphia
1. Landmark Ritz at Bourse
2. AMC Neshaminy
3. AMC Cherry Hill

Chicago
1. AMC Pipers Alley
2. AMC River East and a midnight screening
3. AMC Barrington 30

San Francisco
1. AMC Metre on 16
2. Century 20 Downtown Redwood City
3. Century 20 Daly City
4. Century Northgate 15 Cinemas

Houston
1. AMC Studio 30 and a midnight screening
2. AMC Gulf Pointe 30
3. CITY Angelika Film Center

Seattle
1. AMC Pacific Place
2. Centurion Lincoln Square Bellevue
3. Regal Alderwood
4. Regal Parkway Plaza 12 Tukwila
5. AMC Cinerama – Thursday midnight, Friday and Sunday – NO SATURDAY.

Austin
1. Alamo Ritz and a midnight screening

Good Luck to all and if you live in Houston Grumms and I will definitely be there.  Just look for the two guys sitting in the audience together…

Click here to view the embedded video.

But some of the stuff “leaking” out for the new Battlefront III game looks pretty awesome.  Now admittedly I played the original Battlefront VERY often and I think I only played Battlefront II once.  The space battles were pretty cool, but if I recall there was a lot of lag and I was in full blown Planetside mode.  Battlefront III is something altogether different as it would be on the PS3 platform which instantly gives it some credibility (some).

A week or so ago, some pics were leaked showing Han Solo, Palpatine, some Jawa’s, and Royal Guard.  They look pretty amazing.  You almost want to brush away Harrison’s hair out of his face don’t you?

And check out these pics of someone called “Dark Obi Wan”:

From IGN, the note on the top left says An old man, gnarled by the corruption of the dark side. Mostly a hermit, he wanders searching for places and things with strong connections to the dark side. Any artifacts he finds, (e.g. force crystals, talismans, bones) he keeps about his person in pouches or threaded through his clothes. Currently, found in the swamps of Dagobah.

Awesome stuff.  And IGN also reviewed some leaked footage of the game.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Overall, everything looks very very promising.  Could this finally be the “project” that reestablishes George Lucas in Star Wars Geek Nation?  I hope so.  Without “this” (and any soon future projects), can the Bounty Hunter T.V. series ever be made??

All right, hold on a second…yes the thought of doing this is so unbelievably cool and yes I’ve been waiting all my life for this but…just LOOKING at this thing (coolness aside)…kind of makes me wonder about some other things that I’ve experienced in my life (sort of like how I felt after my first trip to Camp Stewart so many years ago)

And I do have to throw out this one little thought…before I tell you exactly what the “Force Trainer” does and how it works,  I just have to say…if this is just some dip shits idea of a joke to F with the Star Wars Nation, I’m going to hunt down and destroy all of the keyboards of the jackasses that put this out on the web.

Seriously,  look at the picture .  As cool as it looks…and turning off all of my Star Wars sensors…what the holy hell is THAT thing?!?  You have a picture of a kid (who incidentally seriously looks like he is holding back a laugh) with a dorky headset moving a ping pong (floating on air) with his mind.  Woooow!  Yeah yeah…force, Jedi…I got it…but as cool as what I’m about to read you sounds (how the Force Trainer works), it seriously looks about as retarded as some of the other toys that “Uncle Milty” has put out over the years:

I know you all remember the Indiana Jones RC Giant Ant (with crystal skull remote) from last year before Christmas don’t you?  There is no doubt, with just a quick visual glance, that this dumb ant cannot climb anything but a smooth surface in your kitchen.  Look at the legs.  I guarantee you whoever dropped the $30 bucks to get one is saying “Why the hell is my god damn Indiana Jones ant is getting stuck on my kitchen floor tile??”  Yes it’s a toy.  I understand.  But it should work!  The legs are not multi jointed which of course means that there are a set of wheels underneath the body to help move the ant around your hard wood floor.  I want MY ant to climb up walls and climb into bed with people.  Junk.

And of course if you look at the Ant, you have to look at the RC Skunk.  The only thing that it does is move around and lift it’s tail…pretty cool (??), but in the end, you are going to have to provide the smell.  Is that so much to ask for?  I want my money back for this piece of shit.

And let’s not forget about the “super awesome” Pet’s Eye Camera!  Wrap this thing around Spot’s neck and have the great pleasure of watching him running around the back yard in circles chasing his tail, watch him eat all of his yummy food, go up to other dogs and sniff their butts…then turn around come over and watch him stick his nose in your dad’s crotch before finally watching him run out into the street to get hit by that speeding car!  Yay!

“Thanks Uncle Milty!”

Why stop there?  Let’s not forget about the “Moon in My Room” Night Light.  Seriously kids, save your money and open the curtains…

The “Rainbow in my Room” night light.  “Gee dad…forget about football, and Transformers and REALLY COOL SHIT.  I WANT A RAINBOW IN MY ROOM!”

Hey look it’s that totally awesome game, “Battleship”, but with Dinosaur Bones!  Let’s send our torpedoes to destroy the archaeological digs!

This thing picks up sounds only insects can hear.  If I had a son, I would have him hold it about waste high, and then I’d blast him with my foot to his balls, and then have him play that back to see how an insect would hear it.  If it actually worked it would be cool…but whatever sound it’s picking up is probably from the built in fan’s in the Secret Sounds Ultrasonic Listener and not from the roach digging around in your cereal box.

Ok fine…I’m sorry about all this.  It’s just that this isn’t the first time I’ve been lured to a product because it “looks cool” (good marketing goes a long way I guess).  I just have some repressed memories of my parents buying me stupid shit (well I *suppose* I asked for them after watching my Saturday Morning cartoons) and then being disappointed later on.

Uncle Milton is roughly the equivalent of those highway side shows that used to sell “rattlesnake eggs” and “sea monkeys”.  I’m telling you, I have faith in the “Force Trainer”.  I have a pretty good feeling about it. But there is something about the other products that he sells and something about that goofy picture of the kid moving the ping pong ball that makes me wonder…

Oh wait…I can’t forget about this classic Uncle Milton product.  Look at this shit!

A light and your own shadow to draw on!  I give up.  Yeah, maybe I should give Uncle Milton the benefit of the doubt…maybe they are cooler than the pictures depict and maybe I should have read the descriptions, but seriously “Uncle Milton”…I remember you…you used to sit by me in movie theaters when I was younger and touch my leg when the scary parts happened.  I know who you are…

Anyways, here is what the “Force Trainer” does:  This thing uses your “brainwaves” (no shit) to power a ping pong ball up and down about 10 inches (roughly the equivalent of the depth of Uncle Milton’s penis in my butt right now).    And for just $90 bucks (which you do realize I’m going to spend…the thing just looks too cool, but man it also looks retarded…I’m so torn…the hair on my back is standing up…my arms have goose pimples…something just isn’t right…BUT…I just can’t resist…), you can use what science calls “EEG” waves…to move the ball through a series of Star Wars levels and sound effects that make you feel like you are in the Star Wars universe.

Yes I’m definitely torn…the adult in my is saying “Grumms, you have been sucker punched in the past with this shit.  Don’t even look at it.  Go on to something else”  But the Star Wars Geek in my is saying “If you aren’t waiting at Toys R Us when they make their deliveries, you are the biggest loser EVER!”

So yeah, do I still have Uncle Milton’s rock polisher from when I was a kid?  Yep.  Did I think it was the coolest thing on the planet…and then later on the dumbest thing?  Yep. Will I buy the “Uncle Milton’s Star Wars Force Trainer”?  You betcha.   Will Uncle Milton pound my butt silly and make me crying out loud “I’m your bitch Uncle Milty!”?  Yep…and guess what?  So will YOU…

…and of course on every “ultimate Star Wars fan’s” table there is an R2D2 Soy Sauce dispenser and a droid set salt and pepper shaker…

oh and don’t forget your Star Wars cookbook…nothing like a good old tasty Darth Malt to fill your tummy!

I could continue…you of course have a Star Wars chess set (what TRUE Star Wars fan doesn’t?), a Star Wars C3PO tape dispenser (yep the tape dispenses right between his legs)…

and of course there is nothing warmer than reading one of your favorite Star Wars kids books to your nephews and nieces…”Shiny As A Droid:  Things to See, Touch, and Smell From a Galaxy Far, Far Away”

Right…we get it…you ARE the ultimate Star Wars fan…you have searched high and low for all of your awesome Star Wars collectibles and at the end of the day, you feel that no stone has been left unturned…

…but have you bothered to look at your wiener?

Yes sir…the one place you would have thought to have never looked is finally getting a Star Wars make over.

From the makers of Marsha Mellow…

And Roast My Weenie…(wow that’s so disturbing on so many different levels)

Comes…THE WEENIE WING COMMANDER!

Made with 100% fortified stainless steel, even the largest, juiciest wieners don’t have a chance with this one. And for only $19.95…how can you pass up the opportunity to see one of your weiners skewered on an X-Wing?  Once in a life time opportunity…

“Hmm…the force is long in this one”

“I have you (your big juicy, buttery, delicious weenie taste) now!”

I could go on and on…but suddenly I’m a little hungry…

I’m sticking it here.  Enjoy!

Click here to view the embedded video.

This video really struck me as funny because I never really thought too much into the world of Trooper calisthenics.  I bet it would be quite a bitch to get your heart rate up when your body movement is constricted by the armor.  Dude just get naked next time.  Do all of the clones have equal cock size?  Or do you think that one of the Kaminoans were fucked up like that scientist that made the Body Worlds exhibit (if you do not know what I am talking about look at the Rearing Horse with Rider exhibit and check out the schlong on the rider.  It is bigger than the horse!) and fused on giant Rancor cock or were they evil and fused on a tiny furry Tauntaun peter.  Either way you know that the Kaminoans had to of fucked with at least one or two of the clones.

Click here to view the embedded video.

With currently 500 amazing actual Hollywood and movie props and paraphernelia, if you have the cayeesh and want something cool this is the auction for you.

Some of the Star Wars items to be auctioned off:

Luke Skywalkers Lightsaber from a New Hope and ESB.  Just a mere $150K to $180K and according to Profiles in History, it is a “non-fighting version”…so I guess that means it does not ignite…uh.  Oh and a cool side note, this one was created from a antique Graflex flash gun (used in vintage cameras from the 30′s).  Check out the second pic

Another item up for bid’s is the C3PO helmet worn by Anthony Daniels in ROTJ.

According to Profiles, “the helmet is complete with brass eyepieces, forward-mounted brass antenna on top, brass neck bolts and flexible plastic collar” and will cost you around $60 to $80K.  Too cool!

Some of the other Star Wars items, C3PO’s hands from ROTJ

and a original screen-used sectional piece of the Death Star.  Very cool.

And for those that went to Celebration last year, a lot of the Vader Masks from the very very cool Vader Project are also up for bids

All of these items come with signed letters of authenticity and yes, they are all going to cost you thousands and thousands of galactic credits, but if you have them to spare, very much worth it.

I looked through the other 500 items and found these very cool things that you will be able to bid on:

Russell Crowe’s hero Maximus’s shield from Gladiator, a black Spidey mask from Spiderman 3, a battle scarred shield, sword and spear from 300, Biff Tannen’s “Pitbull” hover-board from Back to the Future 2 (there are also other ones from the rest of Biff’s gang), T-800 Terminator hand and glove from the movie The Terminator (also Terminator costume and glasses from T2 and all kinds of other cool Terminator stuff), the “Loki-mask” from the movie The Mask, a Heath Ledger Joker blood-spattered Joker playing card from Batman: The Dark Knight (too fucking cool), Wolverine black leather battle-suit from X-Men, a Lensor costume from Chronicles of Riddick (nice!), a signature Indiana Jones fedora and whip from Temple of Doom, and my personal favorite the Sydney gorilla mask from The Incredible Shrinking Woman! (although after all of these years, I still can’t get that demon spawned song out of my head “Galaxy Glue! Galaxy Glue!  What would we do without Galaxy Glue!”  Ugh!)

I personally have a similar looking gorilla mask that I like to wear just to freak out people walking in my neighborhood.  I run up to them with the gorilla mask on, scare the ever living shit out of them, and then tell them it was a great big joke pointing at the fake mask I’m wearing, and as we are laughing about how funny the scare was, I then remove the mask to reveal my actual freakin gorilla face.  I once made a guy shit his pants three times playing this joke on him (and yes, once he was passed out cold, I checked his pants and was able to determine three separate bowel movements…hey, I don’t ask questions about you…don’t ask questions about me)

With only less than a week away to Big Black Friday, you’ll want to find the shit that your geek-sig-Star Wars-fan-other wants when he or she opens up their wonderful presents on Christmas morn (trust me, you can go the cheap route, like I do every year for me when I wrap up my Peter (Petrelli) in Star Wars wrapping, and present it to myself.  “MERRY CHRISTMAS!“  But even I have to admit, unwrapping that fuzzy cuddly morsel every single year can have it’s limits).  Listen to me fools!  Spend the dough and get some of this shit!

All right, today I’m bringing to you several goodies that should be on your radar from now until D.24.

For the Star Wars fan, who depending on age, Star Wars prowess, and general body hygiene, may have varying degrees of fandom intensity, you can’t go wrong with the following three tiers on the economic scale of gifts.

So you don’t have a lot of cash, but you want to get a gift that your little Star Wars fan will find absolutely cool on Dec 25th, you only need to go no further than your local Target, Wal-Mart, or Toys-R-Us to find these guys.  Yep, the coolest thing since the original Kenner Star Wars action figures that came out back in the late 70′s and early 80′s and if you have been living under a rock the past year or so:  Mighty Muggs!

They are about 7″ inches tall and I have no idea what they are made out of because every one that I have bought is still in it’s original box.  Shit, they may actually be impossible to play with.  But damn they look good on my shelf and the boxes they come in look really cool too!  Yeah, look I played with all of my Star Wars toys…like Archie in a Fish Called Wanda would say…”REEEAL GOOD”.  Headless, armless, torsoless, bite marks, burn marks, insertion wear.  You name it, they got it.  If you ever were to be reincarnated as a toy and you could pick a point in time to go back to to reincarnate, do not pick a star wars or GI Joe figure, at my house, when I was around 8 years old.  You will do and see things no one should ever see…

All right, so the real cool thing about the Muggs is that they cost around $10 bucks (give or take depending on where you buy them AND how rare they are.  Yep, some are already “rare” and are going for $60/70 bucks on amazon.com.   No shit).

Here are some more.  I’ve included some of the Indiana Jones ones, the Marvel ones, GI Joe ones and the Transformers ones to just to whet your appetite (and wet your pants).  Cool shit!

And yes, that IS Soundwave…NiCE!  That mother fucker better be in the next Transformers movie and he better have Ravage and Lazerbeak (but not Squawktalk) or I’m going to burn, rape, and pilage all over Hasbro headquarters…

That’s right Brian, you goofy fuck…starting right with your office…

All right, so you think the Mighty Muggs are a little cheap looking and you want something with a little bit more detail and SW coolness associated with it.  Well get out your pocket books and take a look at these so called vinyl collectible dolls.  I first saw some of these at the Star Wars Celebration last year in Los Angeles and picked up the Darth Vader one.  Since then I have purchased both of the ROTJ and EMSB Boba Fetts, and the tie fighter pilot and currently have the next one pre-ordered, Darth Maul.  Yayee yayee!

I missed out on the Shadowguard one (Comic Con 2008 exclusive) but I’ll be there next year for whatever additional ones they are going to add.

I’ve seen ones of Wicket, Yoda, C3PO, TC-14 (silver C3PO), the red Imperial Royal Guard, and I think there is a Jawa floating around.  Oh, I’ve also seen some stormtroopers and clone troopers and the very rare Black Hole Stormtrooper (NiCE).

Whatever, they are cool.  They are approximately 9″ inches tall and cost anywhere from $70 bucks up (depending on where you get them.  Medicom and Sideshow Collectibles sell some. I got the two Fett’s from Starwars.com, but they don’t have them up anymore.  Google search is probably the best bet, although just for YOU I did a quick one for the Fett’s and could not find them anywhere).  I have not opened the Fett’s, but I have the Darth Vader and TIE Fighter Pilot opened.

Check this shit out, in regards to detail on these things, the Darth Vader helmet comes a la the meditation chamber scene in ESB (including a nice brainy shot from behind).  Too cool…Put your light saber away before you poke your eye out…

Click here to view the embedded video.

All right, so maybe these goodies aren’t GOOD enough for you and your spoiled little shit for a star wars mate.  So check this next kick ass thing out.  Not only are these impossibly hard to find (as far as I can tell there are not a lot out there, less than a thousand were made for each edition), but you have to travel your ass to Disney to get them (well I have heard that you can order these online and there was an event on www.disneygallery.com but that already passed).

Even crazier than that, you can only get them during the Star Wars Weekends held every June at Disney.  Ok, couple of fibs, you can actually pick up the Defend the Ears Mickey below at Disney, probably right now today,  but that was the only one I saw there back in August.  The other ones…gone.  Oh and ebay and other Disney associated online outlets are the king for selling these, but at 100% mark up minimum (they retail at Disney for $150 sans shipping.  Online, they go anywhere from $300 to $600).  Super Wallet Destroyers yes, but the coolest things around.  Check them out

They are all approximately 14″ to 36″ inches tall and each come with their own base.  The more recent ones have the base light up and all have some aspect of them that lights up (e.g. lightsaber etc).  And I think they are made of clay…not sure…all I know is that they are heavy as shit.

Yes the Darth Maul/Darth Donald is the coolest and you can currently find this on ebay for around $400 bucks (Yikes!).  But let me tell you, they are worth every penny.  Sure my Defend the Ears Mickey looks ridiculous hovering over my bed in the master bedroom, but it is by far the coolest Star Wars “collectible” that I own.  When the apocalypse finally hits, you can bet your testicles I will be carrying it with me fighting off the hordes of zombies and undead that try to take it.

And if you can’t find these…the next batch comes out for Star Wars Weekends 2009.  As soon as I find out what the new ones are I’ll share with you…

Fine, you don’t like Disney AND Star Wars, I get it (you are a cretin, a scoundrel, and a cock lover…that’s all I’m going to say), so just for you, here are two more Big Money Star Wars items that should be on your Fan Boys Wish list and both should be really really easy to find.

Escorpion bought this bad boy a couple of months ago, and I WANT ONE!!  And the picture below doesn’t do it any justice.  No Han Solo and Chewbacca are not that fucking big.  This thing is huge though.  The Falcon measures in easily at 2′ long (a large pepperoni pizza for those keeping score at home)

It’s got kick ass movie sound effects…

“Don’t get cocky kid!”  Yes!

Han and Chewy riding shot gun…NiCE…

A hidden compartment for Han to stash his glitterstim spice and Luke to stash his young boy padawans he finds on various planets…

I don’t know what the fuck this is.  Is that the room where Luke practices with the training probe?

Hell yes…the ramp comes down and the lights light up…very cool.

The original one was very cool (and I wish I actually had one…sorry Scorp, too bad your mom tossed this one out too)

But the new one is still the shit…

And if the Falcon isn’t your cup of tea, go out and finally get one of those bad ass Force FX lightsabers.  Here is one dudes Force Fx collection.  Any other lightsaber is pure garbage.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Oh and don’t forget, the Darth Maul Force Fx Lightsaber is only ONE LIGHTSABER.  YOU HAVE TO BUY TWO TO GET THE DOUBLE SABER EFFECT THAT HE IS FAMOUS FOR. You can get these anywhere from $80 bucks to $110.  Check amazon.com periodically because they seem to always have those 24 hour sales that really get you some sweet deals.

I unfortunately do not have one yet, but I’ve seen them at the store and I have a relative that has one…it’s sturdy, bad ass, makes sound effects when you swing.  I will probably be one of those dopes that keeps saying “Yeah I’ll wait til later to get one.  They ARE after all in every store”  Until they are all gone and I’m fucking 70′s years old shitting my pants drooling saying stupid shit like “I should have bought a god damn Force FX lightsaber”.  I better figure this shit out before I see Santa this week…

So there you have it, some gifts for the real cheap azz in your life (e.g. your Peter (Petrelli) wrapped and delivered for Christmas), someone that doesn’t want to spend too much (e.g. Star Wars Mighty Muggs…hell yeah…best value), someone that wants to spend less than $100 bucks but not be too cheap (vinyl collectible dolls…sounds like something your sister would play with…trust me…only tough Star Wars Boys play with these dolls) and the ultimate in Star Wars gifts (e.g. Disney Star Wars Big Figs, a giant fucking replica of the Millenium Falcon (with Solo and Chewy…yes!) or any of the multitude of Force FX lightsabers (don’t ever buy those stupid plastic ones that you have to wrist fling to get the lightsaber to come up.  I will destroy you and that stupid toy maker if they continue to sell that crap)

Look for the next edition of the Geek Flavor Christmas Shopping Guide to come out soon…

Here is a little quick fact about the film; it grossed over a million dollars which is still considered to be one of the highest grossing independent films and even had a higher profit ratio than Star Wars itself.  George Lucas has even been quoted as saying that this is still his favorite Star Wars parody of all time.  If you were one of the lucky people that actually caught this film playing at select theaters around the nation you have definite bragging rights.

I for one was not able to see the movie in the theater, but I did catch it on HBO back in the day.  I can remember looking in the HBO guide to see when it was coming on and I would watch it over and over again.  If you have never seen this movie before and you consider yourself to be a true Star Wars fan, I must warn you that it is horribly funny.  When you are seven years old and something like this comes along that is making fun of your favorite movie, you tend to look at things in a different light.  Now I think it is dumb as hell, but it still makes me laugh and I have fond memories of this short film.  Boys and girls I present you…

HARDWARE WARS!

Part One

Click here to view the embedded video.

Part Two

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.