Geek Flavor Cometh!

It wasn’t that long ago I was living in the country that you humans call Rwanda. I had a pretty good life… I lead a troop of 20 strong gorillas. I had my pick of the best berries, leaves, and twigs in our range….I could sit on a large patch of grass, at any time of day, spread my legs open and let my balls roll around on the ground and not one living thing could say shit to me about it. Life was good.

Then a group of men came and they brought with them guns and hatchets and jeeps and machetes and yeah…they weren’t fucking around. They started attacking my troop killing them mercilessly. Naturally, as the dominant silver back and one big bad ass gorilla, I fought back and began to slaughter each and every one of them.  Sure they put up a fight (it wasn’t the first time I had fought humans).  But in the end, one gorilla against a whole bunch of humans isn’t a fair fight really.

But it did buy enough time for the rest of my troop to escape and soon it was just me fighting the men. I’ll be honest with you, they were pretty fucking pathetic. Shooting at places where they thought I was…shooting each other…running around screaming. I’m pretty sure a couple of them wet and shit themselves.  Their blood curdling cries echoed throughout the jungle. A mere soft human has no chance against me.

At just as it looked like I was going to destroy them all, their leader, a portly mustached man they called Safari Ron, perhaps realizing that I was very close to wiping them all off the face of the planet, yelled out in a heavily accented English voice to someone behind him

“Release the Sparky!” he yelled. I really didn’t know what to expect, but by now was gung ho for anything they threw at me. In retrospect, I may have been too confident…I had no idea what “the Sparky” was but, I’ll never, ever forget it’s face as they let it loose from it’s cage.

I fought the Sparky for 3 straight hours before we both grew tired from exhaustion…our blows at this point, glancing off of our glistening with sweat faces. It was at that point that one of the few remaining hunters was able to get into a position close enough to hit me in my neck with one of his sedative darts…and that eventually knocked my big ass straight out.

When I awoke, I was in a cage in a zoo in Houston, Tx. Trapped with no apparent way out…well at least that’s what the zoo keepers thought. The name on the front of the cage said Bongo (cock suckers couldn’t think of a better name huh?). Littered throughout the cage were old comic strips and magazines…I imagine so that I could shit and piss on. (Ha.  You should have seen the look on my cage cleaners face when I held him down shit on my hand and rubbed his face in it). I don’t crap where I sleep…

Truth is, these fools thought they had me down…they thought they could confine me to a cage with bars while their stupid human children threw coins at me laughing and calling me names. Pathetic. No cage can hold Grumms…

So…sure I broke out (did you really have a doubt) and yeah…I ended up kicking some more human ass on the way out (not going to miss that opportunity). And now I’m here…with only one thing on my big smelly simian mind: to find that pith wearing goofy Safari Ron, rip his balls from his torso; hold down his Sparky and make him eat Safari Ron’s family berries. In the meantime, after reading all of those comics and old issues of Wired and PC Magazine and PC Gamer, as well as some tossed out Stephen King novels, I’ve decided to stick around here for a bit…

I’m scouring the planet…forming a team

(not THAT type of team)

More like this type…

And we are coming….to force feed everything that we feel is right and just straight down your fucking throats…to screw up your feeble little brains and make you ask the ultimate question, as you are lying…shaking in your own piss and sweat…. “What the hell is this crap??

Oh yeah…I’m also coming for YOU Safari Ron…. and your Sparky…

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