Man Robs Convenience Store With Klingon Batleth

Okay so this man is either going on my top 10 bad asses of all time or he is just a confused retard psycho killer out on the hunt.  I mean seriously before this guy went out on his act of robbery courage what the fuck was he doing…

I bet he was sitting at home on his couch watching Mutual of Omahas Wild Kingdom and pulling on his dong like there was no tomorrow.  Then after secreting and eating his own body fluids, he went through the ritual of getting nude and sunbathing in front of his fireplace.  After baking on a gas induced 3rd degree burn, he probably walked into his kitchen and got his jar of Peter Pan Extra Chunky peanut butter and proceeded to mend his burns with a cool and nutty epidermis.  Once he was fully lathered with Peter’s nutz he proceeded to dawn his stalker clothing and then he meditated to Bjork (seriously that bitch would make me want to kill someone as well).  Now for the weapon.  I fucking guarantee you that this guy lives in a single apartment in the middle of shit-ville.  His apartment is dirty as fuck, with roaches, boxes, empty soda cans and cat feces spread out all over the place like some sort of new laminate flooring.  BUT!  Hanging on his wall in a perfect glass covered mahogany shadow box is his beautiful pride and joy.  He thinks he is a Klingon, he knows that he is a Klingon, he knows from the voices in his head that those are his superior Klingon officers giving him orders.  So in the tradition of the Klingon he lives a frugal life, but his Klingon weapon will always remain perfect and ready for use.

What a fucking QUACK!

So now he is out on his mission.  But when you are practically a homeless retard, you have no expendable cash so you have to look for alternative solutions.  “I have got it!  I will rob the convenience store right next to my apartments (you sometimes have to get into the mind of the retard and think how they would think) and then I will have enough money to take a bus across town and kill with honor”.

What the retard did not realize is that if you hold up a convenience store with that kind of weapon you are already targeted as a joke.  The store clerk put on his best scared impression and gave the retard like a $20 spot.  Thinking he had just hit the jackpot (cause you know that a retard cannot calculate quickly) he immediately left the store.

He rounded the corner forgot that he needed to wait for the bus, but instead he hailed a cab.  So after the cab ride across town (incidentally he didn’t even know where to go.  he just told the cabbie to take him across town to a dark and secluded location) the cabbie kicked him out quickly becuase he smelled, he snatched the $20 and drove off.  It must suck when a cabbie tells you that you stink.

Now out of money once again the retard has no escape route once he finds his prey.

“I have got it.  I need more money”.

But this time the retard killer was going to meet his Klingon knowledgeable clerk.

Once entering the store and demanding money, the clerks basically laughed in his face, told him that he smelled like shit covered peanuts and they swept him out of the store using brooms.

The clerks also told him that the Klingon Bat’leth was only for Klingons with honor and he had none.  The clerks immediately went inside and called the cops.

Feeling sorry for himself the lonely retarded Klingon hopeful walked up to the first bridge he found cut his own head off (Klingon sacrifice style) with his Bat’leth and his body and the unused murder weapon fell into the icy fast flowing river below.

The police have still not found the man or the weapon used in the robberies.

He will surely be missed.

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