On my way home from work last night, I decided to stop at my favorite place to find those things that I crave the most to fill my big fuzzy belly…H.E.B.! For the uninitiated, H.E.B. is Texas’s largest and BEST grocery chain, founded by Florence Butt in 1905, when CC Butt Staple and Fancy Groceries was born (you can’t make this shit up…seriously). Anyway, any grocery store named Butt Groceries that can survive all of these years has got to be doing something right…right?
Oh and for those of you that didn’t know I recently got a new job parking cars and to be honest, it’s going pretty well. Here is the funny thing though, I’m not really the one that’s parking the cars but I’m the one the “supervises” someone else that supervises THEM parking cars. And I use that term loosely as that one over one supervision is roughly the equivalent of me standing in the middle of an intersection directing traffic under a perfectly good stop light. It makes no sense.
How did I get it you ask? After I received my citizenship, I was asked what my ethnicity was and since there was nothing for “simian” I put down “African American” (I do come from Rwanda after all). Little did I know that I was entering into some other realm of crazy human shit that I really didn’t want to be a part of. Until I got the call that asked me if I wanted to go downtown to supervise a valet business. I probably should feel guilty but I have a job and it’s paying the rent until the next one…what can you do?
So anyway, I was standing in the peanut butter aisle trying to figure out if I wanted Peter Pan extra creamy peanut butter or Peter Pan extra crunchy creamy peanut butter (I really really love peanut butter…and I’ll be honest with you, I have this same dilemma every single time I go to the grocery store…I’ll stand there contemplating what I want and in the end I always get creamy peanut butter!) and I suddenly realized that a conversation that was occurring an aisle over or maybe more was entering into my stream of consciousness:
“Look, you have to understand what I’m telling you. You just don’t understand!”, said a distinctly male voice.
A female voice responded, “I do understand! I really do. But it’s just the way that you are presenting it. It just doesn’t make any sense”.
As I listened to her voice it, I was captivated as to how it sounded. It was so unbelievably beautiful. It sounded like mermaids singing. Her voice spun and carried through the wind…uh through the air conditioned, climate controlled grocery store…like excited birds on a spring morning day playing in the water. I envisioned what could possibly be a strikingly beautiful, tall woman, with golden skin, long flowing hair, voluptuous, curvy body, lips like Angelina Jolie, tits like Angelina Jolie…I was in cerebral heaven!
“But does it need to make sense? At the end of the day, I just want you to put it in and if you don’t want to put it in, I promise you I won’t ask you ever again to put in anything…but first just try to put it in!”
“I get it. I get it. But it’s not a matter of putting it in exactly but that you want me to put something in that was once inside of her! Don’t you think that’s an issue”.
“Why is that an issue? If I put it in me, you would be happy. But now that I’m asking you to put it in you, you are giving me push back. Have you ever read the “Taming of the Shrew”? Sometimes I feel my relationship with you is an antithesis of that. So many times I do things for you and in the end, even though I go out of my way, you end up finding fault. I was the shrew. Now I’m the bitch. It’s the Principle of the Double Edged Sword!”
“What the fuck does that mean? Do you even listen to what you are saying sometimes? You have all of the free time in the world and you waste it selling garbage pails. Where is the ambition? Where are the objectives? Where is the passion?? And then you have the gall to fucking try to present THIS to me and say ‘Aww gee. Please put it in. Pleeease!”
“Obviously it has struck your memory funny if you say I have free time to do anything. I’m busy all day long. And it’s all for you! And what do I get in return? Massive blitzkrieg attacks right into me. I can’t stand this shit”
“Oh god…I’m so fucking turned on right now. I want you now. I want you in this fucking grocery store right this very second!”
“What the fuck?!?” I thought to myself. “Am I actually hearing this shit?? This can’t be fucking happening…can it?”
Of all the times I have been to the grocery store, I have never heard any conversation like THIS?? As I stood there listening to this very odd conversation, I caught myself staring at the peanut butter and wondering out loud to myself “what the hell am I doing standing here in front of this peanut butter”. I completely forgot why I was standing there.
Then I realized, I could not hear the man and woman talking any more. So I grabbed the Peter Pan extra creamy brand peanut butter (at the end of the day, I really do hate peanuts when they are in hard form) and shuffled down to the end of the aisle and immediately peered around the corner to see if I could see where the man and the woman were (if they had indeed left the aisle that they were on). For whatever reason, as crazy as it sounds, I was suddenly enthralled…drawn to this very strange conversation…and possibly what could result from it!
Once my line of sight cleared the shelf full of tortillas on the end cap, I was able to see all the way down to the end of the grocery store…where most of the dairy products sat (eggs, milk, cheese etc), but more importantly where the double swinging doors were that lead to the “grocery store warehouse”. I quickly did a mental check of where the obvious “exits” where that lead to places deeper in the grocery store domain. Outside of the double swinging doors near the dairy section, there was a set of doors immediately behind me that lead to what I guess would be the “meat freezer”. The only other places where someone might want to escape to do something risque was the bathroom towards the front of the store (directly opposite of the dairy section swinging doors), the Wells Fargo bank (which by this time of night was surely closed), the Pharmacy and the grocery store offices (which didn’t seem plausible to me unless these two worked here).
Regardless, I immediately glanced back down the “peanut butter aisle” to ensure that the pair had not doubled back down the other side near the cash registers, and started meticulously moving down towards the dairy section, clearing one aisle at a time, and also checking to make sure that they didn’t sneak past me. First the cereal aisle, then the spice aisle, then the frozen sections, the beverage section, the diaper and baby wipe section, the paper towel and toilet paper aisle, and finally the hair product and feminine hygiene aisle.
I had made it…cleared out the entire grocery store save the very last aisle and had not seen hide or hair of this strange man and woman…their odd conversation…and the jack pot sight I had hoped to witness. And yes, if they were indeed doing what I thought they would be doing, I had my phone camera ready for the ultimate prize (which I would of course share with YOU!)
I carefully, slowly started to look around the corner, directly in front of the dairy section towards the front of the store towards the bathroom…anticipating minimally to just seeing the couple…hoping for more! And what did i see? Not a dang thing. Nothing. Nobody. Just…the bathroom. Of course! They were in there…doing what she promised him they would be doing…and I’m just a brisk paced walk…no RUN…from catching them in the act!
I started to walk fast…then skip…then full out run…the bathroom was bouncing back and forth in my sight…but my adrenaline was kicked in full gear now. I looked down to make sure that my camera was on…and while I was doing that, quickly went over what my “plan of action” would be.
Should I slowly open the doors and listen first or should I just kick them down take my snaps and high tail it out of there sacrificing my peanut butter fix…for some ultra cool pictures!
I unfortunately didn’t have a chance to answer my own question as there is (or maybe SHOULD) be a little rule that says…if you are running really fast to take a picture of a man and woman having sex in a bathroom in a grocery store called Butt Groceries, never look down to ensure that your camera phone is on…WHILE you are still running.
What happened next is still a blur to me. Hard impact. Me barrelling over what I initially thought was a pillow full of feathers (which to be honest when I hit it and was flying through the air with it snug against my chest and belly, I immediately thought, “Wow I feel like a bobsledder during the Olympics with a pillow for a sled”…even after I landed on top of it I was still thinking…”this pillow sled is gliding around the floor just like a bobsled on ice!)…and a glimpse of a basket and what looked like a mix of green, red, white and yellows flying through the air…
…it was shortly after that I realized that those green’s were lettuce and cucumbers, the red’s tomatoes, the whites onions, the yellows squash…and the bobsled made of a pillow full of feathers…was a nice old lady that I rode all the way to the Pharmacy waiting area slamming her head into the wall.
To be honest, I thought I killed the old bag. She was just laying there in a daze…her mouth open…a little bit of drool dripping out of her mouth onto the floor.
I looked towards the main entrance to see if anyone had seen my sled ride…thankfully no one had seen shit. Only one register was open and the lady standing behind it was talking to the store manager and not even looking in this direction. There was another lady way down at the other end of the store walking down the bread and wine aisle…and I just happened to catch a glimpse of a guy in a black trench coat walking down the beverage aisle.
Thank god no one saw this shit. And now…the lady.
I looked back down at Mother Time and she no longer had her mouth open looking off into space. Instead she was looking right into my eyes and as sure as my grand pappy used to shit on his hand and throw it at us little ones, she had a twinkle in her eye like she was ready for another bob sled ride.
If you’ve never seen a gorilla get up without using his hands (from the prone lying on stomach position) it’s a pretty amazing sight. Before the old lady could get her claws any deeper into me I grabbed my camera phone and ran into the bathroom area. No silly old lady was gonna stop me from getting this snap shot!
Boy and girl bathroom. No time to think. I immediately kicked open the bathroom door and after seeing no one at the urinal…my eyes moved to the stall. A pair of shoes sitting there. Not moving. I wasted no time. Kicking open the door and taking a quick shot with my camera I got a picture of a an old shocked chinese guy taking a dump.
On to the women’s bathroom. Same strategy. I kicked open the door. Nothing. At first glance nothing under the two stalls. Kicked both open. Nothing again.
What the fuck? Where the hell were these two?!?
I had to go through a lot of things in my head. What happened? How did I miss them? Where did they…
Oh you big dumb idiot. That ridiculous bobsled ride was enough to distract me and they must have left the bathroom at that time! Damnit. I lost my chance. My opportunity for Kodak gold was gone.
Deflated. It was definitely worth it I guess. Got a ride on an old lady. Took a picture of a Chinese guy going poop. I suppose that is a decent consolation prize.
As I started walking out of the bathroom area into the main store, at the far end near the dairy section I noticed that same trench coat wearing guy walking through the double doors to the grocery warehouse.
For the love of all that is unholy and unjust. That mother fucker has to have been the guy that I heard earlier talking to his woman. Somehow she doubled back to hit the warehouse and he went to the toilet to do who knows what. I should have known. They were back there now, probably getting ready to mark their territory.
I’m still in the game mother fuckers! I’m not going to lose this one.
Have you ever seen the movie “Road Games” with Stacey Keach and Jamie Lee Curtis about a truck driver and a lot lizard traveling across the Outback in Australia with a serial killer on the loose, and those two trying to solve the case? I kind of felt like that now…especially at the end of the movie when Jamie Lee and Stacey were tracking the killer down. It was VERY exciting! Like I was solving the murder! The murder of the hot couple wanting to have sex in the grocery store! (if you didn’t, check out the trailer for “Road Games below. Once you get through the weird zombie shit, you’ll see it)
I immediately started running for those double doors, this time not looking down once. Nothing was going to stop me now. My camera was ready. My senses were heightened. And my determination firm.
As I passed the end of the aisle and ran up to the double doors I looked down toward the other end of the grocery store. Nothing. No one. Aww yeah mother fuckers! This time, I’m gonna get my picture.
Instead of bursting through the doors, I slowly opened them with both hands, peeking around the corner first…then entering like Maximus in Gladiator…THIS “arena” was MINE!
At first glance I didn’t see anything. A bunch of food stuffs stacked neatly around in organized areas. And then barely audible at first…I heard a voice…a female voice.
“Oh yeah baby. Take that coat off. I want you right here and right now.”
“Oh shit! This was it! Too fucking nuts.” i thought to myself. I looked down and yes…my camera was on and ready to go. I was gonna get my picture.
“Come on hurry up with those pants. I can’t wait!”
I walked towards the area where the voice was coming from and began to make out between the shelves, two distinct shapes in the dimly lit area in a back corner outside of an office that had no lights on. The one shape was bent over the shelves one hand on one upper shelf level and the other hand on the lower level. The other shape was behind and was in the process of dropping it’s pants!
I didn’t have a lot of time to think. There was so many things racing through my mind and I noticed I was shaking like a kid that had just jumped out of the pool. The time was now. These two had no clue as to who I was. I could take the picture and run out of there and no one would ever know.
I suddenly realized I was still carrying that Peter Pan Extra Smooth and Creamy peanut butter. It seemed like eons ago that I was standing there choosing between “crunchy” and “creamy”. Now I was wrapped up in this unreal caper about to get some incredible pictures of a young hot sexy couple going to town in a grocery store!
The time was now.
I readied my finger on the camera “trigger” and for no other logical reason, like a stereotypical pirate from the movies, started to yell out “Arrrrggggh!” as I ran from behind the shelf and started taking pictures. Both of the shapes immediately looked back at me in the dim light. The male said “What the fuck”. It was definitely the voice that I heard earlier. The female said “Oh my god”. She was the one I heard also.
And a voice behind me said “What the hell is going on in here?!” as the lights suddenly turned on in the warehouse. I quickly spun around to see the store manager looking at all of us with the craziest shocked look on his face…but also one that at the time didn’t dawn on me, but was definitely a very disgusted look.
It didn’t matter, my time was now. No one was behind the store manager leading to the double doors and my freedom was there…just waiting for me to grasp it…and more importantly, I HAD MY PICTURES.
But curiosity got the better of me. The pictures weren’t enough. I just had to look back at the couple that had been first having that strange, yet somewhat intellectual conversation and who now were caught (by me of course) going to town. I just had to see what they looked like.
“What the fuck??”
Standing directly behind me was the now portly beer gutted man I saw in the trench coat (it’s amazing what those coats can hide)…a flat top styled hair cut and a neatly trimmed goatee. There was a few bad tattoos of Japanese symbols on his shoulders and some weird read sore or god knows what on his back. Of course his pants were still down to the ankles.
And directly in front of him was another portly beer gutted balding man…with what hair remained styled in a pseudo mullet…a grizzled looking 70’s style mustache…some weird tattoos of dolphins jumping through hoops of fire on the side of his torso. And yes, with his pants pulled down to his ankles also.
Where the fuck was the chick??
“You sick son of a bitches. I’m calling the cops” the store manager muttered behind me, realizing myself that he was including me in all of this mess.
I heard the store manager but was oblivious to the moment. “Where the fuck is the chick? Where the fuck is Angelina Jolie??” I was no longer thinking this, but saying it out loud…looking around the warehouse in pure shock.
Then unexpectedly, the guy with the pseudo mullet bent over the shelving said…in a perfectly effeminate voice “I’m so fucking embarrassed”.
Oh my fucking god. The conversation earlier. The one that sounded like two intelligent (well the male was definitely a dolt) but two relatively intelligent, possibly attractive people. A male and a female. That drove my imagination. That sparked my interest…Angelina Jolie…
Was actually two red necked fat guys wanting to have sex in public.
And worse, I was an accomplice taking pictures of them…in now our gay soiree!
THE PRINCIPLE OF THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD! Oh my god…
I thought I could make it by running through the grocery store to the front doors before the police came. I was wrong. They caught me in the parking lot. Thankfully they let me out on ROR (release on my own recognizance) this afternoon (which is good because I’ll get to watch the Super Bowl tomorrow). However, the pictures on my camera phone of the two guys having sex in the warehouse and the one of the Chinese guy taking a dump…as well as that incident with the “nice old lady” reporting that she got raped (!!) by a “very hairy man” probably isn’t going to help.
But…at least the police let me keep my Peter Pan Extra Smoothy Creamy peanut butter. Have you ever melted Hershey’s kisses into a heaping mound of peanut butter? It’s so fucking delicious!