Hope everyone had their stockings overflowing with toothbrushes, toothpaste and deodorant and that Santa didn’t take a dump in your toilet and forget to flush like he did at my house (what the hell is up with that??). While you all are stuffing yourselves with who knows what crazy shit you eat on this day, I’m gonna bring you a little bit of Christmas magic…
I should probably have revised the title of this to say something like “Top 10 Movie Scenes That *I* Cried During While Watching” but after reading through this list, there is no doubt in my mind that I am not the only guy that shed a tear or two during these scenes. Powerful, passionate, and gripping, each of these not only tugged at my big furry ass heart strings but also made me realize that maybe I was just a little too hard on those humans that I used as toothpicks (and in some cases toilet paper) back in my homeland before I was unceremoniously brought here.
So anyways, over the last month or so, my cable company (and probably YOURS. Mine is called Sudden Link…which I’ve never really understood the name. It really makes me think that everything that they do is unexpected or without warning, like everything that they do is just one big fucking surprise. “Oh your cable is out? Hmm…well that’s a sudden surprise.” Cocksuckers. Whatever.
If I ran that shit, the ideal name of my cable company would be “Hammer Link”. Sure it probably doesn’t have much more meaning than “Sudden Link” but god damn doesn’t it sound bad ass? Have a semi nude Norse Viking Swinging a hammer right through someones t.v. and then have him look directly into the camera and say in a heavy Nordic Accent “Hammer Link. Fuck yeah!”)
So like I was saying my cable company has been playing daily one of my all time favorite movies: The Last of the Mohicans. And those that know me, know that while this may be my favorite…what they don’t know is that I haven’t actually seen the whole thing. I’ve seen parts of the fort scene and the scene towards the beginning when the British party is ambushed by the Huron…and pretty much everything from the water fall scene “I will find you!” to the end, but the rest of it…no idea. I don’t give a shit about the love story, or the romance novel b.s. I just love the life and death struggle….especially the last 15 minutes of the movie. No joke, I have probably seen that part of the movie 100 + times.
And you wanna know the fucked up thing about it? I’ve probably cried every single time like a little tiny baby. Forget all of the Tyler Durden, Emilio Capra, or Lt. Col. ‘Bull’ Meechum nonsense about not crying, being a man, sucking it up…that’s not what I’m talking about…I’m talking about man tears here…rainbow flavored, unicorn riding, jelly belly eating bullshit this is not. You know? MAN…mother fucking kick you right in your balls, and then kick your self right in the balls kind of TEARS. Tears of a warrior…a gladiator…a murderous, rampaging killer. Those kind where it is ok to cry and still lop off a dudes head while drinking his blood kind of tears.
So, the more that I watched The Last of the Mohicans end scene, the more that I cried (man tears mother fucker), and eventually I started to think, there are a lot of movies that I have cried during. So what better Christmas gift from me to you than to share my top 10 Movie Scenes that it’s ok to cry during if you are a guy…
To be honest there are a lot more than just these 10, and I’m sure some of you have your own “Top 10” (I bet a bunch of you have this scene in your top 5:
but these were the ones that hit me the hardest…that made me want to punch, and hug, and fight, and say “I love you man”. Go ahead and get your tissue boxes…and maybe your favorite stuffed animal…a blankie if you need it…don’t forget to get on your PJ’s on and pull out that box of chocolates. By the time you have finished all of this, there will be tears flowing mother fuckers…and lot’s of them…
#10. The Last Scene of Last of the Mohicans.
There are so many fucking awesome sequences in this scene. Self sacrifice…love of family…love of one another, passion, unbelievable decisions between life and death being made (have you ever cried with a hard on…didn’t think it was possible did you? Just like you thought it wasn’t possible to fight with a hard on…after watching this scene you will have experienced one of the two).
In a nut shell, it all begins when a couple of sisters and a British officer get caught by the main bad guys, some Indians that are pretty fucking hardcore (scalp and raping type…not the have you drink lots and make you spend all of your money at their casino types). Well Daniel Day Lewis (who as you all know is by far the greatest actor of all time and who would look great…in a manly, tough guy sort of way…lying naked on my bed) and his good friends, “Long Snake” (is that right? I couldn’t make this shit up. If I were a Mohican, your god damn right my name would be “Long Snake”) and his son Uncas decide to go and get the girls back. They make a deal with the Chief guy, but the British guy convinces the Chief that maybe he should be the one to burn in the fire. So the Chief guy says “White dude is going to be turned into a smore, Little sister go with Magua, to be sex slave. Big sister go with Daniel Day Lewis. To be sex slave, and I gonna go bang all of these HOT old nasty Indian babes standing next to me” and that pretty much sets up the scene.
Let me tell you, it doesn’t take long but right as the British dude catches on fire, and Uncas put’s his hand on his pop’s shoulder and then “Long Snake” tosses Daniel Day Lewis a rifle…the scene where Madeline Stowe turns her head away, whipping her hair back, to not see the British guy get capped…wow…that’s right when the tears really start flowing. That’s when you know…no one has a chance to live through this mother fucker. EVERYONE is playing for keeps. Not a lot of words are said during this scene (did I mention that the movie was directed by the GREAT Michael Mann?). It’s just so fucking awesome. Uh…And then later on when Uncas learns the true meaning of Thanksgiving from Magua, and when “Long Snake” see’s his son carved and pushes up the mountain to Magua making Rambo look like Stephen Hawking…wow…
Check out the rest and if you are able to make it through without tearing up, the next time I see you I’m going to punch you right in your balls like a jack hammer until you cry…so start fucking crying!
Oh and if you are a fan of football, this is still one of my favorite commercials. The guy that created it…guarantee you he cries every time he watches Last of the Mohicans…no doubt about it. Oh did I mention THAT GUY was FUCKING MICHAEL MANN?!? Respect your GOD!
Holy shit, I just watched the damn thing and I cried again!?! Especially when Stephen Jackson scores the touch down…wow…and I hate the Rams!
I think I might be drinking too much while I post all of this. But I will say that my Wellbutrin Vodka bomb tastes so fucking tasty right now! And is it me or does this god damn medicine look like a smiley face…even before you toss it in your mouth??
On to #9!
#9 Transformers Movie: When the Autobots come to Earth
Oh wow…I’ve seen this movie so many fucking times, and I don’t know what it is about it that sends me over the edge…the music…the mystery…Shia LaBeouf scoring with Megan Fox (look, I’ve read articles about this girl…she is a straight up cock-phile. That little hand hold gesture during the scene wasn’t in the script but it was telling all of us old fuckers that she let Shia’s megatron in her optimus prime…lucky bastard).
…but the scene overall…wow…the Decepticons are already on Earth and they are ready to kick some major ass. Now it’s up to the Autobots to come and save the planet, by destroying all kinds of shit in the process.
I don’t know why this scene put’s me over the edge. Maybe it’s just me waiting 20+ god damn fucking years for the fucking autobots to make it to the big screen (in a live version)…maybe it’s just my youth catching up to me (I can’t imagine what I will do when the Thundercats movie is finally made. Have you checked out that Thundercats Fan Movie though? Holy shit!)…maybe it’s knowing that Shia is probably going to be making a third Transformers movie with Megan Fox and that HE’LL be rubbing our noses in it later on, holding hands on screen, winking and laughing at us…mother fucker.
By the way, for those that didn’t know, the voice of Frenzy in the movie is performed by none other than Reno Wilson…who the hell is that you say? well he is the dude that played Theo Huxtable’s college roomie (and if any of you remember, who Theo experimented with) during the last season of the Cosby show.
god damn…I’m only on #9 and i’m crying like a little fairy princess…
#8 The Empire Strikes Back – Ending Scene
For the longest time, this was THE greatest sci fi movie ever made (well until Chronicles of Riddick came along. Sorry Star Wars goons…Riddick is the best. I don’t care what Rotten Tomatoes says. And just as a side note, while the last scene in Chronicles was pretty amazing…no tears were shed by me during it. It’s a well known man rule that where it is ok for a man to cry during specific movie scenes, in no way shape or form are you allowed to cry during a Vin Diesel movie. Sorry. I don’t make the rules) and ESB is still the best of the 6 movie Star Wars series.
So of course this scene happens after the bounty hunter, Boba Fett takes Solo in carbon freeze to Jabba the Hutt and Luke just got done getting his hand cut off from dear Daddy, and Lando and Chewie are going to find the bounty hunter to save Han. Tears start flowing at 1:19 when Luke stands up to be with Leia, C3PO, and R2D2 as they watch Lando and Chewbacca leave in the Millennium Falcon. Just watching the look on Leia’s face is enough to send me right to weeping willow land.
Also thinking about Luke still not knowing Leia was his sister…hey, I know what she said to Han on Bespin, but fuck…for all she knows, Han is dead, and it could take a looong looong time to find him. And you know, sporty young buck who just took on Vader standing right beside her… Wow…those are tears of pain coming out right there…
#7 Crocodile Dundee Ending – Head Surfing Scene
There are actually two very similar movie scenes that I feel could be included at #7. One is the ending to Romancing the Stone when Joan Wilder comes back to her Manhattan apartment and Jack Colton is there not only with the sailboat he promised to get, but the mother fucking crocodile that swallowed the “Stone” turned into a pair of his boots. You can bet, that scene alone prompted more swallowing in her apartment later on. Tell me you don’t cry when you hear this song! Oh if and if you didn’t notice, some jack ass named Krolevets Agnessa made this movie. Thank’s for the self promotion fucker…
And then there was this scene. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t stand the movie, but one amazing thing happened while watching it…you really see Linda Kozlowski falling totally head over heels for Paul Hogan (no acting mother fuckers…I’m talking about a “I’m going to lift my skirt up any time you want me to and you can have me in public” kind of way).
I’ve seen similar situations with Val Kilmer and Elisabeth Shue in The Saint and Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo in The Thomas Crown Affair and I don’t care what bullshit you want to try to sell me, there was some real “i’m in love with my co-actors penis” moments floating back and forth between these guys in these movies. (btw, The Saint and TCA are two of my favorite caper movies ever made. You ever see a fully grown silverback gorilla bawling on a coach by himself completely naked with only bon bons and a bowl of popcorn in his lap? Come to my house on movie night to experience something special…)
So this scene is the ending where Crocodile Dundee goes on a “walkabout” because Linda was boinking some other dude that actually washed and wiped daily. Well before he can make it, she tracks him down to Grand Central Station where she yells at Dundee (through a bunch of other commuters) that she really loves his Australian shrimp and wants to put it in her barbie. At some point, Dundee decides to come to her and rather than pushing everyone out of the way, he walks on their heads.
Why does that scene make me cry? Because Linda Kowlozski was so fucking incredibly hot and those are tears of joy for Paul Hogan. Who needs a fucking career when you have her to come home to every night?? Plus, Dundee is the only mother fucker I know that shakes peoples balls rather than their hands…AND he get’s Kowlozski?? Tears of joy man…tears of joy…
#6 The Bounty (1984 version) – When the Dad says goodbye to his daughter and let’s her go with Fletcher Christian
Once again, the music is really what makes this movie and Vangelis, which I’m sorry sounds like a straight up gay porn name, is actually a pretty decent electronic musician/band that also did Chariots of Fire (which I’m sorry that song sucked) but he also did the theme from Blade Runner (which kicks ass), as well as the music for this movie. The music in the film is so incredibly haunting…and even though you know, as you are watching the movie, how the events will unfold, the acting and scenery completely contribute to the amazing score.
Everything culminates when Fletcher takes over the Bounty and returns to Tahiti to get his bride. Her father King Tynah is at first upset about Fletcher returning and possibly bringing the might of the British navy down on his multi wifed ass…but eventually he gives in and as she is leaving, he completely breaks down and cries. Rated Awesome for nudity, as the girl and almost every other female in the movie are topless throughout, it’s definitely a must see flick, but the King crying scene is a deal breaker…you will lose some tear weight after that one.
And here is Vangelis! (god damn…easily one of the worst names for a electronic rock band ever) performing his hit…Ze Bounty! Oh and although he doesn’t have a big part, Daniel Day Lewis completey destroys in this movie. I would mutiny on his bounty and return to his island topless if he were ever stranded…in a tough manly way mother fuckers…that’s what I’m talking about!
#5 Gladiator – When Maximus Dies
Wow…I can’t believe I’m still able to write anything. I have probably lost 10 pounds of tears and I’m only halfway finished. So yeah, the movie is incredible by when Maximus dies, that’s when it becomes a complete tear jerker. This mother fucker has killed men, fellow gladiators, pig head wearing fat guys, gay Romans, skinny curly headed weird guys, German barbarians, lions and other crazy shit…he basically killed every mother fucking living thing in that movie mostly to avenge the death of his wife and child…and at the end, he finally does…only to die and join them…wherever the hell Roman’s go when they die…Elysium? Spain??
Who cares. The point that really makes me sad is when Djimon Hounsou’s character buries two statutes of Maximus’s wife and daughter in the arena and says “some day I will join you…but not yet”. Holy shit…”man tears” here I come!
By the way, every single fucking time I see Djimon’s name, I seriously cannot get this song out of my head. Either there is some serious brain washing going on with children’s cartoons these days, or maybe I just watch too many children’s cartoons…but fuck I hate this song yet it is so pleasing to my ears…
#4 Dark City – Ending
Ok, I realize that some of you probably have never seen this movie, so I’m gonna tell you now, if you don’t want to find anything out about it or if you haven’t seen it, skip to #3 and don’t read anything else. So yeah…SPOILER ALERT!!
The movie itself is what the Wachowski brothers completely stole from to make the Matrix. Sorry Matrix fans but it’s the fucking truth. Dark City in my opinion is 100 times better and is by far one of the best sci fi movies I’ve ever had the pleasure to watch. And the Wachowski brothers completely took every idea to make their flick.
Just for shits and grins, here is the trailer for Dark City. Without getting into too many details, a guy wakes up in a world that he later find’s out isn’t real. Later on he finds out that the fantasy world is actually controlled by other fuckers that are parasites that are using people in a way similar to the Matrix, except, instead of using them as “batteries, they are studying them in order to survive. Every night at midnight they change the world (“tune” it) putting people into different situations. The guy that wakes up is basically Neo and he learns how to “tune” like the parasites and eventually uses these powers against them.
But the end of the movie is when the real cry fest begins.
Why? Because, the guy has found out the reality of his situation and at the end of the movie although his love for Jennifer Connelly is “real”, she has no recollection of the events that have transpired (she even has a new name Anna Connelly) and more importantly where they are at (more precisely what they are on). Honestly who cares about all of that shit…the guy get’s a hot Jennifer Connelly to manipulate and play with for the rest of his life. It’s like having Christmas every day!
#3 Heat – Robert De Niro vs Al Pacino
By the time that you get to this scene in the movie, a lot of shit has happened. Most of the main characters have died, Moby’s music is, like an enema squirting deep inside of you, cleaning out your insides, and you don’t know if you should be rooting for De Niro or Pacino…because you realize you actually might like both. But to see De Niro reach up and hold Pacino’s…god damn mother fucking hand…oh my god i’m bawling right now talking about it…shit. It’s so fucking beautiful! Mother fuck every guy movie should end this way. Even Pacino is teared up. Son of a bitch…this movie is soo great…ugh. Ok, I have to admit something, I also cried when Tom Sizemore died…sorry…
#2 Kung Fu Hustle – Last Battle
Oh man guys…I don’t think I’m gonna make it. Seriously, someone is gonna have to come over and toss the football with me, maybe reenact some scenes from Fight Club…or watch some good Iranian girl on girl porn…something. This shit is really starting to get to me. What the hell was I thinking writing this god damn article. I’m going to go over and punch my neighbor in the face here in a bit. Ok…here we go…the last two movie scenes…
Kung Fu Hustle is basically a comedy…sprinkled with awesome Kung Fu fighting scenes…but at the end of the day it’s a comedy. And a god damn good one at that. The movie stars a chump thief who is basically a nobody…and he get’s involved with the Axe Gang (I can’t remember what they are called), who in turn have gotten involved with a village that just so happens to house some of the greatest kung fu masters EVER. So the gang decides to fuck with the kung fu masters and they get destroyed.
So like all gang war battles, they go and get bigger bad asses to take on the guys that kicked their asses previously . Eventually every one ups the ante getting bigger and better warriors, continuing the vicious cycle, until the baddest mother fucker in the lands, the Toad Master guy kills our would be hero. The hero dies but later is saved by the previously good kung fu masters who wrap him up in a cocoon and wait for him to turn into a butterfly. Well this is the part that takes place at that moment when he comes out and the Toad guy and his army are there to kick mucho balls and ass.
And after they fight, when Stephen Chow goes “Do you want to learn? I will teach you.” Holy shit…that’s incredible. And then when the Toad guy goes “Master”…oh man…you can’t ship enough Kleenex’s in from Tissue Land to cover all of the tears coming out…
And why does this scene prompt the man springs to flow heavily? Because when these two warriors meet it’s to the death…no holds barred…but then, to have one at the end, realize he is weaker and then even better have the other one offer to teach the previous opponent what he knows…wow this is the essence of enlightenment…and when you become enlightened…you cry.
Ok…here we are at the last god damn movie scene…and to be honest…I’m sitting here completely naked because my clothes were soaked from all of the tears (if that doesn’t make you cry thinking about it, I don’t know what will). Well the #1 scene is probably the best. It’s one of the greatest action movies of all time, and to be honest, you may not have cried for any of the previous movies, but you are NO MAN… (women, use this as your benchmark…your measuring stick for your guy), BUT YOU ARE NO MAN if you do not cry for this one. Because at the end of the day, only Conan does not cry…
#1 Conan the Barbarian – Starting at Valeria’s death to the Battle of the Mounds
When Valeria dies from the snake arrow, you officially violate NO “man rules” by crying from that moment to the very end of the Battle at the Mounds (I usually stop crying when Valeria comes back to save Conan…by then I’m standing up and yelling and screaming “KICK HIS ASS! YEAH!”.
But, the heart strings start to pull around when Subotai is looking for Thulsa’s men and when he sees them riding on the horizon and then I completely let go when Conan gives his infamous pre battle speech:
Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you Crom, so grant me this one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!
Oh fuck…I’m sorry, man, woman, child…if you aren’t crying during these last scenes, you just aren’t alive. The culmination of life…death…revenge…love…the occult…steroid use…so many fucking emotions …a movies worth of battles won and lost…now suddenly all bearing down on some fucking Stonehenge looking place in the middle of nowhere. How can you not be emotional watching this???
Imagine…two against an army of men…fuck 300 (which is an awesome movie)…this is the real SHIT.
So there you go. There are probably a lot more than these…but these are the ones that sucked MY tears dry…enjoy your Christmas gift from me to you.
Now I’m gonna go and do something manly…work in the shop, cut some wood, kick the shit out of my neighbors dog, start the barbeque…take a shit at work with the door open…