I have to be honest, I haven’t really had any high expectations for this movie. I know some other writers here at Geek Flavor have already reserved their place in line for the movies pending release (Aug 7th, 2009), as well as have already begun to design the costumes that they are going to wear to premiere night (see end of this article for exclusive Geek Flavor GI Joe Costume pic), and seriously, after some of the movie stills were released (including one of Storm Shadow recently seen here on GF), I can’t help but think Street Fighter The Movie. I’m sorry, GI Joe fans (I’m one of them) it just looks like a big pile of horse poop.
Don’t get me wrong, Sienna Miller looks incredibly hot as the Baroness, and I’m certain that there will be some other great gifts for GI Joe fans, but unless this movie goes a route a la Dark Knight (realistic, dangerous, dark, not for kids etc), I just don’t see it working.
Well, unfortunately to my dismay, and probably a bunch of other GI Joe fans out there, one of the guys over at nukethefridge.com, was able to catch a “test screening” of the Paramount teaser trailer, and according to him, “it was horrible”. Here is a sample of it:
Next we see some quick shots of a number of characters like Scarlett, Channing Tatum’s Duke on a motorcycle, Sienna Miller as the Baroness sliding down a staircase railing, and a quick shot of Snake Eyes and Stormshadow fighting. About the Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow fight…it looks about as bad as a fight from the “Double Dragon” movie from the early 90’s.
You can see the entire review here.
Well this is a little known fact, and I’m probably going to shock my friends and family, but I just feel the time is right now to reveal this, but I was one of the “Double Dragon 37” that actually paid money to see that pile of shit AT THE MOVIES back in 1994. There were only 37 of us, and those that didn’t commit suicide during the playing of the movie or shortly after, have either practiced severe self injury (including some of us ripping our own eyes and genitals right off of our bodies at the very mention of “Scott Wolf’s” name) or worse some of us have dabbled in the underground homoerotic jiu jitsu fight clubs that plague most urban cities in the continental U.S. You just don’t understand how bad it is for us…
By the way, if any of you are ever in South Houston, we meet every Tues and Thurs at the old Imperial Sugar warehouse if you want to join us (send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org for more info). I’m still haunted by images of Robert Patrick in that movie…towering over me in my sleep, rubbing my legs with hot buttery hands…licking the back of my neck with his dog like tongue…threatening to sprinkle his double dragon juice all over my body. Why Robert Patrick?? WHY?? You were a fucking Terminator!?! And now this shit?
Anyways, why the hell can’t people see that this type of choreography is total crap? I mean, the whole wire work, flying and spinning around, was innovative early on this decade, but it’s time to get back to realism (worst Double Dragon doesn’t even have that). I can already imagine the fight sequence between Snake Eyes and Stomshadow looking like this. For those that have the courage…here is the final fight sequence from the movie Double Dragon…(but seriously close your eyes at 3:18)
And yes, I’ve been around long enough to understand that one reviewer obviously does not make a movie good or bad (even a whole bunch of reviewers does not make a movie good or bad. See www.rottentomatoes.com Chronicles of Riddick). But I just have a lot of concerns and will probably still have them leading up to the movies release date.
Hopefully we are all wrong…and I’ll be eating my words next year.
Oh yeah, and even though C.V. killed my plans of being “Keel Haul” (why? because you can’t have TWO Navy Seaman GI Joes at the movie premiere! It’s a well known faux paux!), here is what we’ll be wearing to the GI Joe opening next year…from left to right, Escorpion as “Wild Bill”, Steele as “Gung Ho”, Grumms as “Law”, Butters as “Spirit”, Fat Kobra as “Zartan”, and C.V. as “Shipwreck” (asshole).