The First Avenger Chooses A Director

There is nothing new about the live action “Captain America” coming to the big screen some time in 2011 (really?  not any sooner?).  I for one will be mowing people down (men, women, children, the handicapped, babies in strollers) to be the first in line for this movie.  I am very close to Steve Rogers, I wore my “Captain America” underoos for nearly two decades.  But after years and years of wear and tear on that original set of drawers, the ass finally gave out.

As of last week, Marvel announced the director for “The First Avenger.”  I think it was the 17th announcement.  But now all the Bollywood bullshit has been pushed aside and they have given the helm to veteran Joe Johnston.  Excited?  You bet your tight little corn holes I am.  Joe has a bad ass reputation for great action, drama and mind blowing visual effects.  You should remember some of these that he has either directed or been apart of:  “The Rocketeer”, “Star Wars”, episodes IV, V and VI, “October Sky”, “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and the list has quite a few more.  I am stoked.  Frankly, I was getting pissed off at the fact that all the mainstream directors were playing bob for the weenie with Marvel.  Stan Lee should have just Hulk SMASHED them in their sack and said, “hey dildo!  Look at what the fuck Marvel has done in the last 5 fucking years with live action comic movies.  If you want to keep sitting around here filming two homofagsexuals on top of a mountain playing twister with stupid FUCK Ang Lee and his fucking retarded ass version of my creation, go ahead.  Marvel will move on to be the biggest movie franchise your faggot little ass has ever seen!” 

But now we come to the second part of the story…who will wield the shield?  WOW!  Who in their right mind would not want to take on the persona of the GREATEST AMERICAN HERO character of all time?  Well sources tell that there are two favorites in the running.  Now don’t get me wrong, I truly love both of these actors but in my own personal opinion (which should be your opinion as well) there is only 1 that really stands out in the crowd.

First up we have the ever so multi-talented Leo DiCaprio (is he still going by Leo).  Good looking boy next door with a hell of a Bollywood resume.  One fatal flaw!  No matter what movie he is in, I cannot help myself but to think back to the day when he played the little old mentally disabled kid…Arnie.

If you tell me you watched this movie and you knew that he was not retarded, YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR!  I remember seeing him in movie shortly after “Grape” and I thought to myself, “HOLY SHIT!  That retarded kid from that Johnny Depp movie is fucking awesome.  He is playing a complete normal kid in this movie.”

Boys and girls, you do not want Captain America running up in a tree, shitting in his pants and throwing poo at the Japs like a chimp at the first signs of trouble.

No, what we need is a man!  A real man!  A real in your face, good looking, smooth talking, bad ass physique, intellectual, KILLING, BAD MOTHER!

Enter candidate number 2.  You all know him and in some way or fashion you wish you could either be him or in him depending on your sexual preference.  If Marvel passes this one up or he does not take the role, I will be at a loss for words.  When I first heard he was in the running for it, I shut the doors on all other candidates, because there would be no other person that I could see fitting to wear that outfit (other than me obviously…TAKE A HINT STAN!).  You either know him as Wooderson, Vilmer, Fenton, Eye Candy if you are a woman, but if you are a real man you only know him as one name…MR. DENTON FUCKING VAN ZAN!  Matthew McConaughey is the baddest of the bad.  He has slain dragons, freed slaves, smoked weed, been a submarine captain, hacked up people for god, hacked up people for his twisted family, and lets not forget the endless pieces of ass that he has slain on and off the screen.  If I were Stan Lee and Joe Johnston I would be snow balling at the fact that McConaughey even thought about playing the role.  SNOW BALLING!

Boys and girls, your next Captain America will be played by Mr. Denton Fucking Van Zan aka Matthew McConaughey.

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