This is by far one of the hardest topics that I have ever had to think of. This post has been 3 weeks of excruciating agony and mental pain. I have revised and re-thought this topic so many times that I have lost sleep, gave myself diarrhea and have mentally drained myself. This post originally started as a Top 10, but it cannot be done. There are wayyyyy tooooo many monsters that just either need to be on here or at least mentioned. So have fun with the 90 hour read. Don’t fucking criticize me over that, hell all you have to do is sit back in your damn underwear and read it. I had to physically get naked and write this shit. But what a beautiful turd it is…
Well since I am pretty much in agreement with my little silver back friend on his post about the “Top 10 Movies That Need to be Made Now”, I figured that I would venture on and bring out the next “best of” topic. Sure everyone has their own opinion on these things and most of the time I do not ever agree with the “mainstream” or Bollywood lists, but I bet you might just sit back and agree with me on a few of these. Now understand, these are monsters so…killers, rapists, therapists and lawyers do not count in this list. Sorry Jason Voorhees and Dr. Phil, you lost out on this one. Oh so dry your damn eyes, don’t worry we will surely have a top “whatever” on those as well.
This is where it all started boys and girls. Without these you would never of have the rest of the list, so suck it up and enjoy some classics. Sure these are old and most of you have never seen even one of them, but you have to pay respects where respects are due and these deserve it. I have compiled a few of the classics together so they will not take up all the list and because of their right of passage into the monster/horror genre. Frankenstein, The Mummy, King Kong and The Creature from the Black Lagoon start off the list. These were all great films of their times and they started the horror and monster revolution in film making. Think about it, in some way shape or form all of these have either been re-made, re-done, copied in some way or taken from to develop even scarier monsters.
The original Frankenstein was really great, but one thing that really disturbed me about this film even watching it as a youngling was that Franky seemed a little homo to me. Call me blasphemous I don’t give a shit. I am telling you he was flaming gay. Why would a monster play tea party with a little girl and pick flowers? COME ON! Now the much better re-make of this film was written and directed by the GREAT Mel Brooks-Young Frankenstein. It had Gene Wilder (who also co-wrote the script), Marty Feldman, Peter Boyle, Teri Garr and Cloris Leachman. This movie is classic Mel Brooks at his best. Gene Wilder is hilarious and Marty Feldman as Igor steals the show.
The Mummy is what it is and I was never a real particular fan of this film. I remember some people saying that it was scary (don’t really see how), but it really needed a good do over. In 1999 it got its bad ass remake. Stephen Sommers did not hold back with this remake and he also enlisted a well thought out cast: Brendan Fraser, Mr. Link himself, the ever so beautiful Rachel Weisz, the sleek and ever soo cool Arnold Vosloo and the sexy femme fatale Miss Patricia Velasquez. Sommers’s Mummy had it all: excellent plot, good story, great acting and wonderful visual effects.
King Kong. I never became a Kong follower so I really cannot say to much. The original looked like a stuffed garanimal and the stop motion shit just pissed me off. Now I can remember going to the theater in 1976 with my dad to see the John Guillermin remake and I must admit, I really liked it.
Now that I am older and have seen it a few more times I really don’t like it that much, but as a kid I did. Good cast too. You had a young Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange (OOOOOH LALA!). Damn that waterfall scene where Kong is giving Lange the Nasal blow job. That carried me away visually for years! Now the Peter Jackson remake (oh I am sure I will have every fucking Frodo Hobbit freak standing outside my house tomorrow for saying this) just blew complete balls. Sorry guys, but it is just my opinion. Jackson blew his entire wad on the ending (which was made first) and he had nothing left for the first 2 damn hours of this movie. SLEEPER!
The Creature from the Black Lagoon was one of the first films that I started to realize as a kid that things were starting to scare me. I was intrigued by this monster, but at the same time I was deathly afraid to go around any body of water. I remember asking my dad, “is that thing gonna come out and get us?” He would just laugh and push me in the water. This creature was creepy and cool at the same time.
One thing that always amazed me about this aqua man-frog was that it always wanted the hot ass. I mean every time you turned around this water slimer had some chick in his arms. Many years later a little film called Humanoids from the Deep would go way overboard by trying to bring the NC-17 updated version of this monster to the big screen. Their big mistake (in some people’s opinion)…just how many times can you watch a Humanoid from the Deep try and screw some chick. The answer is…as long as she was naked…as many times as that humanoid could get hard. Was there humanoid Viagra?
Man I am telling you this movie was fucking wicked. To this day it is still wicked (it needs to be remade as well). It has your typical Dark Ages plot; a king makes a deal with the local dragon that he will let it have a young naked virgin in exchange to save his old ass (oh ya and the kingdom). Peter MacNicol plays the young dragon slayer hero Galen and I have an even better surprise to all my SW friends out there. Did you know that Mr. Ian McDiarmid played in this as well? That’s right. Before he ever dawned the robe of the Emperor he was just a lonely priest in this film.
Ahhhh yes the real hero of the story, the dragon-Vermithrax Pejorative. This mother was bad! It was fucking cool looking, its wings were all frayed up from battle and it was just one gnarly looking creature. This thing would scare the shit out of you or even kill you if it liked, and for good reason. It wanted virgins! And when it did not receive its virgins, it got just a little pissed off. For its time it was a really good film and it had pretty awesome effects. The dragon flying effects were way cool and they invoked some really tricky cinematography to make this seem like you were flying around in the dragon’s perception.
Watch this film and you will realize that a few other directors took some good notes and spawned their own films after it. MR. DENTON FUCKING VAN ZAN!
Clowns do not scare me, but Pennywise can kiss my ass! I hate this movie because that damn clown is so fucking twisted that it will ruin you for life every time you look at a clown. Okay okay I know what some of you are thinking, “hey you said no people”, so obviously that means you have never watched this movie. Pennywise is not a man, it is a damn creature disguised as a clown. Tim Curry should have won an Oscar that year (Jeremy Irons won it for Reversal of Fortune), but Curry got robbed. Sorry Tim, I thought you played one hell of a crazed lunatic monster. This damn clown lived in the sewer and would just wait for people to come by so he could fuck with them and eventually eat them (I guess). Does anyone remember this scary ass clown?
In 1954 this little (soon to become 200′ tall and 50,000 tons) lizard was radiated and mutated by a hydrogen bomb. Pissed off from having its balls fried like tater tots, it walked on the shore of Odo island, killed some natives and the rest is history. Man Godzilla is fucking unreal. Now granted through the years directors (mostly American) have fucked up the Godzilla legacy, but the old shit, the man in a rubber costume-was the coolest stuff I had ever seen.
I can remember watching Creature Double Feature on Saturday afternoons and if you were young enough to watch that show, then you are right up my alley with these first few topics. What the hell ever happened to the GOOD Saturday lineup for kids to watch anyways? Now it is just all a bunch of crap. Anyway, Godzilla took the stage as a mean bad ass killing machine for his first 4 films until his 5th film with Ghidorah where Godzilla earned the title as Hero in a film. Godzilla has had a major fan base around the world and is one of the most recognizable monsters on the planet. Love him or hate him Godzilla is one of the greatest monsters of all time. And just for fun…
Medusa (Clash of the Titans)
Now we are getting to some good stuff. I can still to this day close my eyes and picture Medusa in this film. This slithering, snake headed bitch corrupted my mind for many years and is still in my thoughts today. Ya, Ya sure we all know the Greek myth about her. We know that if you are out after midnight and you see Medusa down a dark alley, she will look at you and your schlong will grow another 3″. We will wait a few minutes until we continue cause I guarantee you that at least 7% of you just got up from your computer, got naked and ran down to your nearest alley. Good, now that you are back and you realize that nothing on this planet is going to help you with your pencil issues, lets get back to business.
Clash of the Titans was one of the greatest films ever made (do not disagree with me on this) and even though I CANNOT STAND stop motion, Titans actually had it down to where it looked pretty convincing. Now Medusa was the shit. This she-bitch fucked up Perseus’s soldiers like it ain’t no thing. Perseus just got lucky because he had watched Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny the night before he went looking for that bitch and learned how to do a proper power slide.
He did a couple fancy moves and was able to knock her head off. Now here is the kicker. This chick is so bad, that you can take her head off and she can still fuck your world by looking at you.
Now here was my dilemma in the whole thing. Man, Medusa had a slamming bod. Ya sure there were scales and shit (I have seen worse) but why and the hell didn’t Perseus stay around and see if the body still did some crazy shit? I mean the head still worked after you cut it off, why wouldn’t the other shit work as well. Just another reason to prove why Harry Hamlin is gay. Medusa you are the hottest she-snake-bitch around and I would dance with you or your decapitated body anytime.
Fluffy from “The Crate”
No arguments, no underestimations, no nothing, if you were young enough and you got to see Creepshow in the theater in 1982 I guarantee that you were a little freaked out by this film. Nothing got me more than “The Crate”. The segment could not have been any longer than 30 minutes, but it seemed like a god damn eternity waiting for the climax where you get the final glimpse of this 1/2, monkey, 1/4, shark, 3/8 tiger, 4/5 trojan condom and 100% pissed off for being in the crate. When that mother fucker popped open that lid, grabbed Adrienne Barbeau’s giant udders, ripped off her neck and pulled her back in that crate I think I shit 3 different consistencies of feces in my pants. Fucked up those underoos for years.
The only let down about Fluffy is that you only see him only twice and it is for a few seconds. But those few seconds are enough to put a footprint in your mind that will last a lifetime. Ask any knowledgeable horror enthusiast one of their greatest horror monsters and “The Crate” always comes up. You should know about Creepshow anyways because it was written by the evil mind himself-Mr. Stephen King and it was directed by the legendary horror creator-Mr. George A. Romero.
Did you know that Steven Spielberg had directed 17 movies before taking on the director’s chair for Jaws in 1975. Can you name even 1? I bet you can name at least 5 of his films after Jaws (he has 27 as of today). Do you see what a good director can do for a monster. Jaws could have been a big pile of shit (just look at the proof. All of the other Jaws films were horrible. And in 3D? You wanna know why Joe Alves never directed again. Don’t fucking do a 3D film about a god damn killer shark), but Spielburg got everything down perfect for this movie and turned out a master piece. Jaws was the epitome of the monster genre and it was intense as a mofo.
Oh and John Williams you beautiful half exposed cranium dweller you. You composed one of the greatest themes to ever embrace the movie watcher’s ears. Jaws was just down-right bad. I mean come on, how many fish do you know that want to kill you. The damn shark went looking for Chief Brody (actually Brody went looking for the fish, but the fish got pissed off and came back with a bloody vengeance and fucked them all up) and ended up ramming, slamming, partially eating and then finally sinking Brody’s boat. Now that is one bad fish. I can remember being afraid of getting into the bathtub after seeing this movie. I was stinky for a very long time.
All of them! I know there were a few fodder films out there in the Alien empire, but each Alien movie brought something new to the table that we had never seen about the species. How can you not respect the hell out of this creature? It fucks your face up, gives you a long schlongthroat choke, it takes a big shit in your stomach, falls off your face and lets you think that you were just on the biggest acid trip ever so you go on about your marry way until its little offspring decides to bust out of your guts and then proceeds to go on a killing spree that lasts longer than Mickey and Mallory Knox. This monster has it all-sleek exoskeleton, superior strength, razor sharp teeth, a second mandible for puncturing the brain, a lust for killing and its own personal defense-acid for blood. Now here is something to think about the next time you are sitting on the crapper trying to bust out your anal hole-only to find out that it was a piece of corn.
If all of these great scientists and engineers can develop all of these sophisticated weapons, vehicles, space ships, space stations and yadda yadda, why the fuck didn’t some idiot scientist say “well we are battling an advanced creature that has acid for blood. Why don’t we develop a round that can penetrate its tissue and disperse a chemical agent into the blood stream that will neutralize the acid and kill the creature”. Am I right?
If I remember way back to my high school science classes, can’t acid be neutralized? Aww hell no, they had to keep dragging the franchise out so eventually Ripley’s vagina would be battling the Corky/Michelin baby at the end. Really? Was that not the dumbest freaking alien to ever be though of. But now the Alien itself is one bad mamba jamba. The first movie made you respect a new species from another world, the second movie showed the actual power of numbers with the creatures and the Aliens did not get their respect back until the AVPmovies came out.
Zombies and Infected (ALL OF THE MOVIES)
This is the hardest topic of them all to talk about. When you say the word Zombie, people have different perceptions and opinions on what you are talking about. The history of the zombie first started in the Afro-Caribbean spiritual belief of Vodou (or Voodoo as we know it) which told the tale of people being controlled by a sorcerer. In 1932 Victor Halperin brought to the cinema White Zombie which depicted zombies as mindless henchmen that were controlled by a magician.
The zombie films continued this tradition until 1943 when the film I Walked with a Zombie hit the theaters. This film brought a strong sexual ringing to the world of zombies but it still had the power of voodoo as the catalyst. In 1968 the zombie film genre would be changed forever. Mr. George A Romero unleashed his film Night of the Living Deadon the world and it received horrible negative criticism. Critics and film-goers did not understand why the zombies had turned into cannibals and the gore factor just grossed them out. Well we all know how this story ends. Mr. Romero was the beginning of the zombie revolution that we have all come to love and passionately embrace. Without his insight, without his courage, we would still forever be lost in the lame ass world of sorcerer controlled mindless walking dumb fucks. Mr. Romero can even be credited with the changing of the zombie rules for future zombie filmmakers and story tellers to come.
The zombie films post 1968 have all taken different avenues, but they have all still followed the basic rules set forth by the Romero franchise.
Now as passionate as I am about zombies, I LOVE the infected. The infected leaves so much more open to play with. You basically have the zombie outline, but instead of them being the walking dead, these people can in fact be the living dead or even the infected dead, or just plain infected in a dying body. There have been so many good movies about the infected. The Resident Evil 3-peat for starters just got better with each movie (even though Apocalypse was my favorite) and Milla Jovovich (god damn have you ever seen a more beautiful USSR chick in your life) as the front woman for these films is just the BOMB! She was the perfect pick for Alice, just as Sienna Guillory was for Jill Valentine (WOODY TIME!).
28 Days Later just caught me off guard. I remember going to see this movie with a low ambition that I was walking into another lame ass UK film. BULLSHIT! 28 brought it! They hit a solid shot with this rendition of the infected and their sophomore film 28 Weeks Later was even better! I will never ever…EVER forget the scene when Don abandons Alice. That is one of the scariest scenes I have ever watched on the big screen and it just goes to show you why the infected are so fucking awesome. Try as you may, try as you might, but you will never outlast the infected. Ya you may be a little crafty at first, but they will just hunt you down. You are the little Lion’s prey on the Serengeti. They can run fast, they never get tired and they have only one mission: to fuck your world up!
“Man is the warmest place to hide”
Those words will forever be glued to the inside of my rectum because I do not think that my a-hole has closed properly since watching this film. The scene that made me sweat, grab the handles on the chair to prevent my ass from crawling away from me and made me shake profusely was the blood test scene. Talk about your intense moment. I can remember feeling like I was sitting next to Childs. I was helpless, there was nothing I could do. I just had to sit there and endure the horror enjoyment that John Carpenter was so pleasantly providing.
This alien species will forever be my favorite “scary” monster. Frozen in ice for thousands of years, it just sat there waiting for someone to come along and find it. Oh ya leave it to the Dutch to go and fuck things up. What they thought was the archaeological find of a lifetime would only lead to their demise. Not only does this creature decapitate, eat, rip you limbs off, shove a razor sharp claw though your ass, or whatever else it seems proper at the time; when it is done with you-it becomes you. Now isn’t that just the most fucked up thing on the planet. It’s not good enough that it had to kill you, awww hell no, now it gets to walk around in your imitation body and go home and screw you wife. Then if it does not like you as the host or it knows you are on to something, it will kill the next threat in line and take over their identity.
Did I mention that this creature can use you again if it wants to? It is the perfect replicating species and it will do whatever is necessary to survive. If you blow it up, an arm will crawl away, if you set it on fire, it will shit out a turd that can grow legs and walk off, hell it even severed its own head (and grew crab legs out of the skull) just to try and get away from being captured.
John Carpenter has made some pretty sweet films. I for one am one of his biggest fans. I am not gonna go into the whole John Carpenter biology report, but I will say that The Thing is probably his best work (then Escape from New York, followed by They Live, and then Big Trouble in Little China, next would be Halloween, Christine and finally Starman). I think what is most intriguing about The Thing is the setting of the movie. Seriously, what the hell would you do if you were in the middle of the frozen tundra and you had a lunatic killer on the loose in a small scientific base. You would not do shit. You would end up like the rest of the poor saps-you would be dead. And if you were lucky enough to survive, you would end up sitting around a campfire hoping and praying that you are not NEXT!
What can I say. He is the King! He is the ever lasting Duracell of the monster category. This species is far more superior than humans on so many levels. They are tall (usually around the 7′ mark), have incredible strength, they are very agile for their size (they can scale trees and “run like the wind blows”), their vision is mostly infrared but their helmets enable them to see many more portions of the visual spectrum, and their bodies are very resilient to damages.
They have a vast array of weaponry; from extension claws for hand to hand, spears, a throwing star, darts, laser guided missiles, advanced tracking systems, and a giant cock. So you see, you have lost before you even begin the battle. History through the films tells us that the Predators have been around for many millennia. There is no exact time as to when the Predators began to visit earth, but we do know that they have been around since the Ancient Egyptians and Aztecs.
The adult male Predator lives to hunt. They will travel vast regions of the universe in search of the ultimate prey. If a Predator feels that its prey is not a challenge (hence leaving unarmed people, women and children alone) it will most likely go searching for something else. Predators are also trophy hunters. Each Predator keeps the decapitated skull of its victim in the trophy room of its ship. It loves the skulls, it needs the skulls, the Predator must prove to itself as well as the other male Predators that it is worthy of the hunter title. How many other species do you know that hunt the Alien just for fun. The Predator does!
Predator 1 and 2 were both pretty sweet. I will always prefer the first Predator because it was just so bad ass. I mean come on how can you go wrong with The Arnold, Jessie the Body Ventura, Carl Weathers, Bill Duke, and Sonny Landham. These guys were the shit. Hell I was a teen and I wanted to be every single one of these characters for Thanksgiving. I immediately started steroids and went to the local gym every day for 3 weeks. The results were incredible. Do not believe the stories about steroids. They did not make me break out, my balls did not shrivel up to peanuts, and I had no cold sweats. Now the only side effect I found to be annoying is that I would just wake up naked in strange places. After waking up in a stall of the Blue Oyster Bar, I decided to call it quits. The second Predator was kinda lame in some areas and lacked a little from the first movie, but at least we got to watch that old crazy fuck Gary Busey. AVP is where we really got to see the predator in action. For the first time in its movie existence you actually felt that the Predator became the prey at its own expense. Hell they don’t care if they die. They will just flip up the old nuclear fusion wristband and place a small nuclear charge up your ass before they bite the bullet. I loved the AVPs. I liked that we got to see the background of the Predator and how they used the temple as a training ground for younger Predators set out on their right of passage. We also got a glimpse of the Predators working as a team. Not for very long, but at least they tried. Man “Scar” was a bad ass mother.
They are the ultimate killers. They are the ultimate hunters. They are born and raised to hunt prey and that is all they know how to do.
Predator-my #1 favorite monster.
Oh did I mention that they are pretty damn good dancers as well. They can cut a pretty mean rug!