Top 10 Movies That Need to Be Remade NOW!!

Over the years, Scorp and I have been tossing around this idea that there are some movies that just need to be remade.  Clash of the Titans is probably at the top of the list.  The special effects in the original were roughly the equivalent of watching Harry Hamlin wash his balls with butter (btw, with all due respect to Ray Harryhausen, all stop motion must die), but damn the story was good.  And it was freakin educational!

And thankfully this movie is FINALLY being made and released in 2010…aww fucking yeah!  Louis Leterrier of recent “Hulk” fame as well as the Transporter flicks is directing and Lawrence Kasdan (of Empire Strikes Back, Raiders, ROTJ) is writing it.  Can’t go fucking wrong with that.

So then I come home, and sign into Yahoo…only to see this piece of shit remake being made


Freakin Race to Witch Mountain…with the Rock.  Now I have to admit, as bad as the original was (if you got rid of the two stupid kids, the black cat, and the mountain it might have worked), this one can only be a lot better…and tossing in a bounty hunter and a kid that can dematerialize through his car (a la the twins from the Matrix) and then stop a car a la Tiananmen square, the Matrix again, Night Watch and countless other movies, is cool sure…but it still sucks…DON’T FUCKING INSULT GEEK NATION Andrew Gunn!

Scorp brother, I’m sure once you read this you’ll be putting out your own flavorful list, but after seeing that crap trailer, I have to put together…


Ok, so that everyone knows there is nothing scientific about this list.  Some are already bad ass classics that need to be re-imagined.  Some, I guarantee you have never heard of… and some were total shit to begin with and are cult classics today…but all could use a little make over in one respect or another…

So without further adieu…coming it you like a steam train of horse shit…here is Number 10

#10 Total Recall -1990

The story in this is actually pretty fucking good.  And Sharon Stone is actually the best actor in the flick period (damn, never thought I would say that..her dumb ass has ruined more movies throughout her entire career, but she is really good here).  Oh and her fight scene with Rachel Ticotin is at least a Top 25 all time fight.

Her fight with Schwarzenegger is pretty good too.


But lose that hack Schwarzenegger and replace with a better actor (Liev Schreiber comes to mind).  Get rid of every other bad actor and replace with any number of good actors currently out there (go ahead pilfer from Lost and Heroes…lots of good actors there).  Update the graphics.  Keep the story, and you have one bad ass sci fi movie.

Oh and if you didn’t know, the movie Minority Report was slated to be the sequel to Total Recall.  Good thing they nixed the sequel crap and actually made a pretty good movie.  Now redo Total Recall (and no, Tom Cruise fans, he does not need to be involved)

#9 They Live – 1988

There aren’t a lot of movies out there that have former wrestlers that I really dig, but this one is the exception, even though it is another movie (there will be more) that suffered from 80’s cheese, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Keith David are the shit. Their fight scene alone (where Roddy tries to get Keith to put on the special glasses that let’s humans see the aliens) is easily one of the best in any movie period…As a matter of fact, if they remake this movie, just insert this fight scene back into it in it’s original form…it is a classic.  Maybe toss in a couple of scenes with them topless while they are fighting too…


But once again, the acting sucks, the effects are worse and the movie is still “B” quality (which isn’t bad but can definitely get a maker over).  Remake it Hollywood, before Scorp and I get our hands on it!

#8 The Last Starfighter – 1984

God I loved this movie when it came out.  I wanted so bad to be that guy that got the high score and had an old pervert alien come from space and ask me to go for a ride to fight an evil galactic empire.  Truth is, Scorp and I, while playing the greatest game of all time Planetside, still talk about how we think Planetside is actually a training ground to eventually have us go fight the evil invading alien empire.  The movie is noted as one of the first ever to use computer generated imagery (CGI) in a film.  The movie is great, but an updated version would kick Centauri balls.  God, having that old fucker in that original movie really was a dumb move.  Seriously..Angelina Jolie would be better playing that part


Get rid of the dumb Star Wars aliens.  Upgrade to better aliens (the Enemy Mine one has to go), cooler graphics, and better actors.

And convince Angelina to be in it

BTW, the Matrix borrows liberally from the meteor hide out scenes…although the same could be said, I suppose from TLS borrowing from Lucas…

#7Maximum Overdrive – 1986

I’m a huge fan of post apocalyptic/zombie movies.  And I try to read or watch any type that hits the mainstream.  I saw this movie in the theaters and thought it was just about as bad ass as any other crap that was coming out mid-80’s. And no it did not make me an AC/DC fan…sorry…Priest all the way.

Basically a passing comet releases it’s radiation love on the planet and every machine comes to life.  No it’s not the Matrix (and most people know that the Matrix ripped off Dark City anyways…but the W. Brothers might as well have ripped this one off too).  It stars Emilo Estevez and by the end of the movie the trucks of the world are who run Barter-Town.  Of course it’s from a Stephen King short story “Trucks” out of the book “Night Shift” and even though King directed, it’s still roughly the equivalent of watching Benicio Del Toro take a shit…from inside the toilet

As much as I like the Green Goblin head truck (I have yet to see one ever in real life), get rid of that and just have a normal fucking black truck, but expand on the end of the world stuff.  Especially before Transformers puts that into play in a couple of years.

Funny side note:  apparently during the scene below where a steam roller chases down a little league baseball player, there were a couple of shots made.  The original is below.  According to King the shot was suppose to have the steamroller roll over the baseball kid and at some point a fake bag of blood would explode and you would see the blood roll up through the steam roller.  But the bag of blood exploded too soon and it actually appeared that the boys head exploded.  In a private screening with Zombie genre master George A. Romero, it apparently brought him almost to projectile vomitting….NiCE.


Anyways, more action, less horror.  Do the remake (not the 1997 remake TV shit fest) but make it a bigger word scale.  End of the world stuff…

#6 The Thing – 1982

God damn this is by far one of the greatest movies of all time.  The last scene with Keith David and Kurt Russell is an all time classic.  And John Carpenters score is unreal.  Actually most of the music he scores is great.  But this movie could use a serious upgrade, once again, in the in SfX department.


There are some straight up wicked scenes in the movie that can only be improved by todays special effects.

By the way, back in 2004 John Carpenter was talking about doing a Thing II with the surviving characters, David and Russell, but balked due to money issues with Universal Studios.  He also said that he had already secured David and Russell for both.  There is also talk that Strike Entertainment (Slither and Dawn of the Dead) is looking for writer(s) to do a possible prequel to the Thing.  I’ve been watching a reality show on VH1 called “Scream Queens” (Mon. 9pm cst) which is surprisingly good for reality fair, but one of the “directors” on the show is none other than James Gunn (who help pen both Dawn of the Dead and Slither).  Not that he would be the best writer, but I wouldn’t be surprised in the 5 years some sort of Thing project will come out.  I like the sequel and prequel ideas…but Kurt and Keith are still alive.  Redo it, expand on the story, improve the FX.

#5 Battle Beyond the Stars – 1980


Another movie that has stuck with me since my youth.  Basically it’s a band of freedom fighters recruited to take on a baddie, Magnificent Seven style.  It’s noted for having a bunch of literally creepy white dudes that like to eat hot dogs, Sybil Dannings cleavage, and this dudes final death scene


Get rid of and recreate all of the mercenaries and come back with a truly re-envisioned space epic.  Oh yeah, John Boy, if he is still alive, stay the fuck away from this project.

#4 Hawk the Slayer – 1980 and The Sword and the Sorcerer – 1982

Yeah I’m combining two movies…tough shit…but what you have in these two classics are two great “B” movies that combine humor and fantasy that could be made into the ultimate LOTR killer.  The truth is there are probably 30 of these same type of movies made in the 80’s.  Combine them all to make one great fucking movie.  Yes, it has already been redone very well with the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and to simply remake this now, would send the legions of World of Warcraft and LOTR freaks on the war path.  But this shit is the original! How can you top the first elf that can fire 50 shots in one minute and a warrior with a sword that shoots off two other swords at his victims!

Side note to this, there is a “sequel in spirit” being made called “Tales of the Ancient Empire”.  It will star Chris Lambert (great fucking choice), Kevin Sorbo (not bad) and Lee Fucking Horsley, the originaly Sword and Sorcerer guy.  Cool shit.


I remember watching Hawk the Slayer when I was really young and I’ve spent a good part of my life trying to find it again.  Thank you  This movie is so fucking bad, it’s good. I saved you all the trouble of renting it.  Here is the 3 minute condensed version


Yeah fuck it, I just like Crow the elf.  Everyone else sucks cock.

#3 Knightriders – 1981

No, this isn’t that “Knight Rider”

Or this one

Or even this one!

It’s actually one of the better movies that you have never ever heard of, and it was created by none other than George A. Romero, god.

This is a flick about a bunch of Renaissance jousters that instead of riding horses, they ride motorcycles, and instead of play hitting, they hit for real.  The head of the troupe, Ed Harris, actually starts going mad and thinks he is really living the part of King Arthur. Towards the end of the movie the shit starts getting real and Ed Harris takes on a dragon (well it’s an 18 wheeler and it runs his ass over but still…good shit.)

Check out the trailer.  Oddly enough, I wake up exactly the same way every morning as Ed Harris does.  Oh, and also look for the cameo by Will Ferrell at 1:40



Ok, I know that I’m going to have the whole fucking planet hunt me down for this next one, but I’m sorry, it just has to be done.  The amount of shit that this guy has produced and been involved with over the last five or so years has got to stop.  I love the originals but I think he and his company need a serious upgrade.  I’ve been tossing this around in my head and I think that I have to do what no one else will do, and that’s ask for change.  Sorry “fan boys” (including me), unless he decides to do the live action Thrawn Trilogy, or unless he comes through gigantic with the TV series (Boba Fett and more bounty hunters), this needs to be done.

Yes, I’m talking about re-imagining the original Star Wars Trilogy.  I took my daughters to see the Clone Wars when it came out.  I, a real true Star Wars fanatic, fell asleep twice during the movie and woke up once to see a gay Jabba the Hutt.

The Force Unleashed looked great on my PS3 and I actually started getting into the story, only to be mashed down with more of the same crap (I fought all the heroes of the Star Wars movies at the end…why??)  Kazdan was a great character in the game with a great back story (fighting in the recreated droid Jedi Council was absolutely cool as shit).  But the rest of the it…flat out garbage.

Do you see where I’m going with this?  The Thrawn Trilogy was a great story.  Boba Fett as a bounty hunter for the tv series –>  great idea.  If you can’t pay off big with these, go back and re-imagine the Star Wars original trilogy.  Maybe with a Ralph McQuarrie infusion.

I don’t know.  But it’s going to need something.  Lucas, do you hear me?  No more gay shit in Star Wars!  I love your creation, but damn…it may be time for a rehash.  (And yes that is John Sallee grabbing George Lucas’s cock and balls…wtf??)

All right, that leads us to #1.  Yeah I should have said this at the beginning, there is no real order, although this was another on of my favorite flicks from my youth

#1 The Black Hole – 1979

Basically a space ship the USS Palomino on an exploratory mission discovers another lost ship, the USS Cygnus near a gigantic swirling, sucking black hole.  They soon discover requisite scientist and mad man, Dr. Hans Reinhardt, who has basically built a legion of “robots” to help him in his studies.  His intent:  to pilot the Cygnus into the black hole to study what is beyond.  When the crew asks what happened to the crew of the Cygnus, he explains that he is the last remaining crew member. Well apparently Reinhardt is a certifiable loon, because the crew of the Palomino realize that those “robots” running his ship, are actually the former crew, lobotomized by the good doctor himself.  As they try to escape, Dr. Reinhardt not only attempts to stop them, but also sets in motion for the Cygnus to autopilot into the black hole.  Toss in an incredible meteor shower, Arthur Petrelli of Heroes fame (Robert Forster), Ernest Borgnine of Sponge Bob fame, Anthony Perkins of Psycho fame, Slim Pickens, Roddy McDowell, and Maximilian Schell and you have the makings of a pretty good sci fi flick, but that can definitely use a little bit of new sci fi love.

Oh and did I mention it has one of the greatest villains of all time:  Maximilian


Keep Maximilian (the fucking robot, not the actor).  Keep Forster.  Get rid of everyone else.

Honorable Mentions:  Killer Klowns From Outer Space, The Game of Death, Flash Gordon, The Warriors (a real real make), The Island, Phantasm,

2 thoughts on “Top 10 Movies That Need to Be Remade NOW!!

  1. I don’t know if I can do one since you and I agree on so much shit. I definitely would not of had “Hawk the Homo” or “Battle Beyond the Stars” (I still have nightmares to this day over John Boy in a Sci-fi and those damn glowing people). Other than that I pretty much agree with everything you got up there. Especially #1.

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