The Star Wars *Force Trainer* Toy – The Future is NOW

I can’t speak for everyone else, but I personally have waited all of my life (well since 1977) for this damn toy to be released and to be honest, I seriously cannot wait to get my hands on one.  Star Wars Nerds, Geeks, and Excessive Masturbaters BEHOLD! The Star Wars “Force Trainer” (made by Uncle Milton…and not the one that used to surprise you in the shower…and then continue to stare at you for another LONG 10 seconds smiling…but Uncle Milton the toy distributor).   Now YOU can have the ability to move objects with your mind like a Jedi!

All right, hold on a second…yes the thought of doing this is so unbelievably cool and yes I’ve been waiting all my life for this but…just LOOKING at this thing (coolness aside)…kind of makes me wonder about some other things that I’ve experienced in my life (sort of like how I felt after my first trip to Camp Stewart so many years ago)

And I do have to throw out this one little thought…before I tell you exactly what the “Force Trainer” does and how it works,  I just have to say…if this is just some dip shits idea of a joke to F with the Star Wars Nation, I’m going to hunt down and destroy all of the keyboards of the jackasses that put this out on the web.

Seriously,  look at the picture .  As cool as it looks…and turning off all of my Star Wars sensors…what the holy hell is THAT thing?!?  You have a picture of a kid (who incidentally seriously looks like he is holding back a laugh) with a dorky headset moving a ping pong (floating on air) with his mind.  Woooow!  Yeah yeah…force, Jedi…I got it…but as cool as what I’m about to read you sounds (how the Force Trainer works), it seriously looks about as retarded as some of the other toys that “Uncle Milty” has put out over the years:

I know you all remember the Indiana Jones RC Giant Ant (with crystal skull remote) from last year before Christmas don’t you?  There is no doubt, with just a quick visual glance, that this dumb ant cannot climb anything but a smooth surface in your kitchen.  Look at the legs.  I guarantee you whoever dropped the $30 bucks to get one is saying “Why the hell is my god damn Indiana Jones ant is getting stuck on my kitchen floor tile??”  Yes it’s a toy.  I understand.  But it should work!  The legs are not multi jointed which of course means that there are a set of wheels underneath the body to help move the ant around your hard wood floor.  I want MY ant to climb up walls and climb into bed with people.  Junk.

And of course if you look at the Ant, you have to look at the RC Skunk.  The only thing that it does is move around and lift it’s tail…pretty cool (??), but in the end, you are going to have to provide the smell.  Is that so much to ask for?  I want my money back for this piece of shit.

And let’s not forget about the “super awesome” Pet’s Eye Camera!  Wrap this thing around Spot’s neck and have the great pleasure of watching him running around the back yard in circles chasing his tail, watch him eat all of his yummy food, go up to other dogs and sniff their butts…then turn around come over and watch him stick his nose in your dad’s crotch before finally watching him run out into the street to get hit by that speeding car!  Yay!

“Thanks Uncle Milty!”

Why stop there?  Let’s not forget about the “Moon in My Room” Night Light.  Seriously kids, save your money and open the curtains…

The “Rainbow in my Room” night light.  “Gee dad…forget about football, and Transformers and REALLY COOL SHIT.  I WANT A RAINBOW IN MY ROOM!”

Hey look it’s that totally awesome game, “Battleship”, but with Dinosaur Bones!  Let’s send our torpedoes to destroy the archaeological digs!

This thing picks up sounds only insects can hear.  If I had a son, I would have him hold it about waste high, and then I’d blast him with my foot to his balls, and then have him play that back to see how an insect would hear it.  If it actually worked it would be cool…but whatever sound it’s picking up is probably from the built in fan’s in the Secret Sounds Ultrasonic Listener and not from the roach digging around in your cereal box.

Ok fine…I’m sorry about all this.  It’s just that this isn’t the first time I’ve been lured to a product because it “looks cool” (good marketing goes a long way I guess).  I just have some repressed memories of my parents buying me stupid shit (well I *suppose* I asked for them after watching my Saturday Morning cartoons) and then being disappointed later on.

Uncle Milton is roughly the equivalent of those highway side shows that used to sell “rattlesnake eggs” and “sea monkeys”.  I’m telling you, I have faith in the “Force Trainer”.  I have a pretty good feeling about it. But there is something about the other products that he sells and something about that goofy picture of the kid moving the ping pong ball that makes me wonder…

Oh wait…I can’t forget about this classic Uncle Milton product.  Look at this shit!

A light and your own shadow to draw on!  I give up.  Yeah, maybe I should give Uncle Milton the benefit of the doubt…maybe they are cooler than the pictures depict and maybe I should have read the descriptions, but seriously “Uncle Milton”…I remember you…you used to sit by me in movie theaters when I was younger and touch my leg when the scary parts happened.  I know who you are…

Anyways, here is what the “Force Trainer” does:  This thing uses your “brainwaves” (no shit) to power a ping pong ball up and down about 10 inches (roughly the equivalent of the depth of Uncle Milton’s penis in my butt right now).    And for just $90 bucks (which you do realize I’m going to spend…the thing just looks too cool, but man it also looks retarded…I’m so torn…the hair on my back is standing up…my arms have goose pimples…something just isn’t right…BUT…I just can’t resist…), you can use what science calls “EEG” waves…to move the ball through a series of Star Wars levels and sound effects that make you feel like you are in the Star Wars universe.

Yes I’m definitely torn…the adult in my is saying “Grumms, you have been sucker punched in the past with this shit.  Don’t even look at it.  Go on to something else”  But the Star Wars Geek in my is saying “If you aren’t waiting at Toys R Us when they make their deliveries, you are the biggest loser EVER!”

So yeah, do I still have Uncle Milton’s rock polisher from when I was a kid?  Yep.  Did I think it was the coolest thing on the planet…and then later on the dumbest thing?  Yep. Will I buy the “Uncle Milton’s Star Wars Force Trainer”?  You betcha.   Will Uncle Milton pound my butt silly and make me crying out loud “I’m your bitch Uncle Milty!”?  Yep…and guess what?  So will YOU…

2 thoughts on “The Star Wars *Force Trainer* Toy – The Future is NOW

  1. Grumms you magnificent bastard you have know idea how hilarious you take on this is. You will will definitely want one of these bad-ass Force Trainers….trust me.

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